All bets off when it comes to gambling

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/01/2017 (3234 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Your advice to Gambling Addict’s Wife — the woman who has to sell her house because her husband gambled them into debt — to find books to support her through her new circumstances was spot on. The Addictions Foundation of Manitoba is home to one of the best-kept secrets in addiction-related resources. Their Knowledge Exchange Centre at 1031 Portage Ave. houses an amazing library with a wealth of print and audio-visual resources. The experienced librarians do an amazing job of connecting people with the most appropriate information.

I’m sure Gambling Addict’s Wife would find many books, workbooks and/or videos about how to cope with the consequences of someone else’s gambling addiction. Every adult in Manitoba is eligible for free membership, and the catalogue is fully searchable at: 445.sydneyplus.com. — Manitoba Addictions Knowledge Exchange, A.F.M. Winnipeg

Dear Knowledge Exchange: Thanks for writing in with this valuable information. The first thought is always for getting help to the gambler, but the partners, family, friends and loved ones suffer, too. And, books are a private thing.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Thank you for writing about help for gambling addicts’ wives, husbands and kids. I am a former gambler and lost everything, including my embarrassed and betrayed wife and my disgusted teenage children who lost their nice home because of me. I had a good job and decent income. Nobody guessed until the whole house of cards came tumbling down.

It was a traumatic experience for me and my family. They all required a lot of help. The kids didn’t want to go. One yelled at me: “Dad, why should I have to go to counselling when you are the addict who wrecked our lives?” Good question. I had to start my life over because everyone hated me for what I did. I hope and pray every day the kids are on their way back. My wife has forgiven me by letting the anger go, but she has found a different partner, so we are friends who co-parent angry kids. — Ultimate Loser, Winnipeg

Dear Ultimate Loser: You have the advantage of an ex-wife who is not carrying the anger, and re-upsetting the kids with it. There is a good chance you will find your way back together with them, if you show them your recovery is going to be long-term. They are still scared to trust you. The people at Gamblers Anonymous can help you with this problem, as many lost their families, but a percentage of them did get them back after some time and a lot of effort. Ask this specific question of everybody you look to for help, including a psychologist: “How can I get my kids’ trust back?” The love is still there in their guts because they had a lot of years of loving and trusting you, but they are scared to let it come back up into their hearts, to be felt again.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Who would have predicted I would ever have a broken heart when I had a great husband, kids and a life? I didn’t even have to work. My girlfriend and I got into VLTs for something to do in the afternoons. Unfortunately, both of us got hooked and blew a fortune together. I had money of my own because of an an inheritance. I kind of forgot I said I would pitch in my inheritance as 50 per cent of a dream house in the country if one ever showed up.

Then my husband announced he had found our dream house — a beautiful place where we could have horses, which is something my kids always wanted. He assumed I still had my money, and it would have grown. I had almost nothing left. His respect for me died. He couldn’t afford the dream on his own and then couldn’t make love to me, or even look me in the eye. He didn’t see it as a disease. In the end, he left and took the kids because he didn’t trust me to stop throwing away money they should have for groceries. I wish there was a happy ending to tell you, but there isn’t.

I am no longer gambling and had to split up with my gambling pal because we aided and abetted each other and kept it our little secret. My husband blew the whistle on her to her husband. He forbade me to see her again. My only advice to people is: don’t get started and tempt fate. My teenagers were horrified by what happened and had to get counselling. They are just now starting to talk to me again. Please tell your readers. — Broken-Hearted Gambler, Winnipeg

Dear Broken-Hearted Gambler: It’s tough to kick an addiction when you have lost everybody that matters to you, but it can be done. As you know, trust comes back very slowly, but your kids have a long history of loving you and underneath they want things to be right. It would help if you got work and contributed money to their lives and educations and helped them get set up when they move out. Seeing you working and contributing to the family will help dim the picture of your gambling.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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