Family struggling to deal with memory loss

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/03/2017 (3153 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Readers: Thank you for your helpful letters in response to Need a Natural Upper (March 14) — the woman who needs to find a way to “regain her equilibrium” after visiting her mother whose memory is seriously impaired, sometimes doesn’t recognize her daughter and often lashes out with angry words. I suggested chanting positive phrases on the way home, listening to spoken-word radio or music and meeting friends for activities right after visits. She is in a place where she is well looked after. Here are two of the letters:

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: For Need a Natural Upper: Your mom is in a safe place and it’s time to put your happiness and health first. You don’t say how often you visit or if there are other family members. It’s time to scale back the frequency of your visits. Does your mom get other visitors? Is it possible to hire a companion to spend quality time with her? Can she talk to you on the phone? You can keep in regular contact with the staff by phone and make sure the staff know they should call you if there are any changes. Meanwhile, take care of yourself and get on with your life. You deserve it. — Been There, Done That, Winnipeg

Dear Been There, Done That: Thanks for taking the time to write in with your kind words. Your advice is appreciated as both my own parents died at 76 (my dad with cancer, my mom with a stroke) and their memories were still good at that time. I realize it is a unique and tortuous kind of pain for the affected person and the family when the mind goes.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just read your column and have a couple thoughts about Need a Natural Upper. Difficult parents are so hard to cope with and I sought professional help twice. The first time was at Youville Community Health Centre in St. Vital with my husband’s encouragement. The emotional toil is difficult for a partner to see and also to help with.

The counsellor suggested I go through the stages of mourning the relationship that I would never have with my mother and to think of her as the lady down the street who I might have coffee with once in a while. This was a good first step. However, I think I let my guard down and got pulled into the emotional whirlwind again, and was upset to the point of wanting to disown her.

Again, my husband suggested counselling. We both went. One session was enough for this counsellor to suggest I have a superficial relationship with my mother, who in clinical terms was extremely emotionally needy. A diagnosis of schizophrenia, which was never accepted, complicated matters as well. This counsellor went on to explain how to do this, and that is what really helped — things such as never driving her home alone, never inviting her over alone, have other people always around and not engaging in any verbal discussion that is getting heated/uncomfortable. While in many ways this was sad, I did it, and it kept the peace until her death this past November.

Perhaps Need a Natural Upper could use a therapy session or two. You suggest some good coping skills, but I wonder if doing some of the work to keep a safe emotional distance, like I did, would also be beneficial. — More Help, Winnipeg

Dear More Help: Avoiding one-on-one situations and keeping a safe emotional distance are excellent suggestions for helping the upset lady who wrote in. It’s also hard to deal with the guilt of not seeing a parent who is mentally ill or suffering from memory loss, so some family and close friends drag themselves to visit daily, which can be too much for the visitors. These gentler ways of seeing the affected person (with company when possible) and the self-care afterward to get over a difficult and sometimes very hurtful visit are so helpful. Thank you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography