Visits with cranky mother can be more enjoyable

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This article was published 13/09/2017 (3251 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a miserable creature. She wonders why her children don’t want to hang around with her. She complains about everything, dislikes everyone for some reason or another and often is nasty to my sister, who would never harm a flea. I’m her only son.

My mom lives at an old folks’ home and doesn’t have many friends there because she’s so cranky. The staff try to be polite when they speak to me about her, but the other day they mentioned how cruel she is to my sister. She wouldn’t dare be that mean to me or my other sister, who is stronger. My gentle sister feels she has to visit mom every day and she’s starting to become depressed herself. What should we do as a family?

— Worried Brother, North End

Dear Worried Brother: It’s time for a meeting at your house. With so much family visiting her, your mom doesn’t have to bother making friends or taking part in activities, so invite your siblings over for a meal and make a schedule where you share a normal visitation schedule with them. If you all went once or maybe twice a week, and sometimes together, it would be much easier on everybody.

And don’t just go there to talk. You don’t have to say, “How are you today Mom?” and talk about her life, yet again. Bring a deck of cards, a photo album or a recording device to preserve some family history prompted by questions. And do talk to your mom’s doctor about her crankiness and what might help with that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing in response to Snoring Husband, the wife of the hard-working contractor who prefers to drink beer in the evenings and go to bed at 7 p.m. I’m the wife of a contractor with the same concerns and frustrations. It started out with a few beers at night and socializing only on weekends.

Fast-forward 35 years into the marriage, and the kids are grown, we have no friends, no social life, he drinks a bottle of vodka every night and I am going to Al-Anon (a coping group for the friends and family of alcoholics). It’s a very lonely life. I would suggest to this hard-working man — probably a good guy — to make changes now that would allow balance and harmony in his marriage or he may not have one. Remember, habits become your destiny.

— One Who Knows, Winnipeg

Dear One Who Knows: Going to bed beat and half-drunk five days a week creates a loneliness so acute for the wife who wrote that he will lose her in time — and maybe not that much time! You’re right when you suggest this is the time to make changes. I suggested this fellow forgo the beers as soon as he gets home after 12 hours of work and have some coffee to keep him up and good company at least some of those week nights.

Even if he’s good company until 9 p.m. instead of 7 p.m., those two hours could save his marriage. She wants love and companionship, and a loving present partner who doesn’t exit the marriage five days a week for work and booze. So what is a quality marriage? To a large extent, it’s time spent together, with your eyes and your heart open.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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