Former addict needs to find a new kind of fix

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This article was published 18/09/2017 (3274 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It’s hard to be a woman with a track record. I used to be addicted to booze and find I’m attracted to other people at addictions meetings because they won’t look down at me, but I’m also worried the subject will always be on both of our minds and I’ll fall back into addiction.

I recently met a nice, attractive guy who’s never been addicted to anything. The problem we’re having is he doesn’t want to be chained to someone who makes him feel guilty if he has a drink, because she lost that privilege, not him. He’s not wrong to feel that way. I wouldn’t want him drinking beside me because I’m just not that strong yet.

— Out of Luck? St. Vital

Dear Out of Luck: What kind of suitable man does that leave you with? Your best choice is a guy who is a natural non-drinker and couldn’t care less about booze or drugs. You need a guy who shares other interests beyond partying. Sometimes people who have been heavily involved with addictive substances haven’t developed other interests, so it’s time to get started if you haven’t.

Pick up a Leisure Guide and sign up for some interesting mini-courses — just dabble in everything. You may find you’re really interested in one or two things and pursue them.

Also consider taking up a sport such as curling, skating, volleyball, adult dodgeball or horseback riding, and taking lessons so you get good at it. Putting excess energy and angst into a sport, especially in fresh air, is great for calming yourself and for the overall health of your body. Become a health nut and join that crowd for a bit to see how it feels. Health enthusiasts aren’t into substances that harm their bodies.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a man, currently going through a divorce and having a hard time dealing with it. I’ve tried finding various supports, but the things I find seem to be geared toward women going through divorce, not men, and I have found they don’t really apply to me.

Do you, or your readers, know of any divorce support groups in Winnipeg or have any recommendations? Thank you very much. P.S. Church affiliations are all right by me.

— Devastated by Divorce, Winnipeg

Dear Devastated by Divorce: Many churches and agencies offer help for people going through separation and divorce, as do some non-religious organizations. Here’s the lowdown on the two best-known in Winnipeg, geared for both men and women:

— Beginning Experience is an international peer-ministry support group for people separated, divorced or widowed, originally developed by family counsellors in the Catholic church but open to all. The Winnipeg chapter is offering a weekend retreat Oct. 13-15. Their regular fall program happens Wednesdays, starting this month. For more info, call 204-275-3090 or go to beginningexperience.ca.

— Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends is a non-religious support group with teachings and group discussion based on the well-known book of the same name by Bruce Fisher. It’s a 10-week course starting Oct. 11 and running for 10 Wednesdays from 7 to 10 p.m. It takes people from the grief of breakup through the stages of re-establishing self-worth and letting go of the past. It also deals with loneliness, family pain and other issues to help each person heal and make better choices. “People can wallow in grief for years but this really speeds up the process,” says group leader Ray Antymis, who took courses with Fisher in the United States. The cost is $315, which includes a textbook and workbook. For info and an interview, call 204-775-3484 or 204-981-8643.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m so mad I want to punch somebody’s teeth in. That somebody is my so-called best friend up until now. He knew my gorgeous girlfriend and I were in trouble because of her cheating and staying out all night, but at first I didn’t know who she was with. I confided in him and he helped me puzzle over that. That jerk listened to my sad, tortured feelings and pretended he had no idea who she was out with, but he was actually the guy who she was seeing when she would disappear and say she was with a girlfriend. He used the information from me to know how to go after her, and when he could safely see her. He deserves his pretty-boy face punched to smithereens. I am not as good-looking but I would never cheat on anybody. I am trying to get her back now, but I don’t trust her. Please help me. I don’t want to go to jail over those two scuzzes.

— Hurting Bad, Downtown

Dear Hurting Bad: If your best buddy is a jerk, she’s twice as bad. They deserve each other. What kind of prize do you think he has won from you? Why would you want her back? Just to get even with him?

But, you must know the old saying about taking garbage out to the curb: you don’t bring it back in and open it up again. He may be a good-looking dude and she may be a match in that department, but they both know how ugly they can be on the inside and what they did to you. They are the lowest form of cheaters — devastating a best friend and love partner — and they will never be able to trust each other in their new relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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