Woman still anxious around men at 24 years old

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/03/2018 (3074 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a 24-year-old virgin who has gone on a grand total of four dates.

I’m also a two-time university graduate who has completed two high-profile practicums. I take solo backpacking trips annually.

I have a dozen of close friends, mostly of the female variety. I’m a published photographer and have shown artwork at local studios. I volunteer. I’m an open-minded listener. I have a professional occupation.

By all North American standards, I should be a catch.

I have used the years to create the best version of myself. But while I feel accomplished, smart, funny and witty — I still get anxiety every time the possibility of pursuing a male romantically occurs.

I blame it on a high school experience with too many catty girls and boys, who delighted in mocking my appearance. Even though the acne and awkward clothing style had long since cleared up, I just can’t shake the negative self-esteem demons.

Help! I don’t want to have my story end up as a sitcom. I like the idea of being in a relationship, but just can’t seem to make it a reality. What should I do? — Looking for Direction, Manitoba

Dear Looking: You already have what it takes, if only you could see yourself as the person you are, in your heart. Have you ever heard someone say: “You can tell me that, but tell ME that.” Your inner being, which has been there a long time, has had a hard time catching up with your blossoming as a woman and all your “improvements.”

Do you know what kind of guys you’d really like to date to find a relationship, one totally suited to you? You have to know in detail. This can help: write a detailed description of your ideal love partner and memorize it. You should address personality and character traits, looks and sexual preference and say what you don’t want, too — like a hard drinker, smoker or druggie.

Print it, fold it and put it in your wallet. Take it out and study it every time you have nothing to do. Keep it renewed in your memory and add things to it. Your reticular activator — the sorting mechanism in your brain — will automatically sort through people without your directing it to start and let you know when it finds that type in your presence. It goes all night, even when you sleep and dream and may present memories or ideas about people you already know or forgot about.

Once you know your type, find a way to put yourself in his company or in the company of people like him — the more the better.

I remember women who used to go study outside their own faculties at the university where there were a lot of the kind of career guys of the type they liked. I remember a half-dozen young women who hung out at the law library pretending they liked the view of the river. Ha! They liked the view of these young men very much, said “Hello” and met them.

Then there were people who joined sports, which attracted their type, same with hobbies, protest groups, save the Earth groups, music events. (If you can’t make music, volunteer at music events and meet everybody).

Also, ask yourself, “If I knew I were going to meet the love of my life today, what would I be wearing? You can be casual, but don’t go out the door in baggy sweatpants and no deodorant, unless you’re going to a broomball game with female buddies. This is the “Game of Love,” so give it some respect. And, always give yourself a chance to win!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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