Getting ghosted the result of other people’s weaknesses

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/03/2018 (3071 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a fun, professional, 36-year-old woman and have been “ghosted” three times after an online flirtation of a few weeks. We went out for coffees and/or lunches, and then these guys just dropped me and disappeared completely, no goodbye or reason given. I emailed and Facebooked to ask why, and finally gave up.

I know for sure I was unfriended. I don’t think anyone actually blocked me, because that’s just what you do to crazies or criminals, in my books. I’m not sure though, as I’m not so savvy about this. It was like they liked me a lot, but then suddenly they were gone on holiday or to the hospital or died. I can still see their profiles.

They didn’t even have the decency to tell me they weren’t interested or they found someone else. It really hurts. What can I do? I need closure and it looks like I’m not going to get it.

— Three Times a Loser, Windsor Park

Dear Three Times a Loser: Getting ghosted doesn’t mean you are a loser, it means the people who ghosted you are too weak to say, “Goodbye, I realize it’s not a match for me, and I wish you the best.” Unless you were harassing these people, you deserved a respectful goodbye, even one line. Unfortunately, this is becoming more common.

So, stop beating yourself up now and try not to take this too seriously. It’s like panning for gold: there are often lots of shiny bits that are definitely not gold. People who will ghost you are in that category.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I was still in the death throes of my marriage with my belittling wife, I lost the ability to have sex with her. I became impotent to the point of not even having erections. As soon as we broke up — the very next week, when I was sure she was gone and the locks were changed — my johnson came back to life. I could have an erection again. I got into porn for a while since it was a safe place to test drive, but then I got tired of it.

Now I’m ready to meet someone, but I’m afraid I will be impotent with the next woman, humiliate myself again and embarrass her.

There’s a woman at my club I really like, and we have been flirting, with an edge on her part. She wants me, and not just for my mind, she says. Last night, I stayed late and we necked in a stall of the women’s washroom. I got an erection, but then got kind of scared.

Should I just try to go on forward with this fun woman, or should I tell her about my problem with my wife? Is that the fair thing to do?

— Insecure Guy, West End

Dear Insecure Guy: It’s not a turn-on to talk about sex problems you had with your ex-wife. That starts your new partner into thinking unhappy thoughts. Fear and worry on both sides could then jinx the whole thing.

Why don’t you have more necking sessions and go out on some stress-free activity dates until one night you’re both desperate for completion? Then you will both go for it, not try for it.

Forget hashing over your ex or practising to be good at sex again with one-night stands. You are not prepared for instant performance with a brand-new woman you don’t know and trust.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a sweet boss who is very lonely. He said his wife left him because he didn’t come home at night. That sounded weird to me.

He adored her.

She said she was leaving him before she had to cheat on him to get him back.

Last night, when I left the office, he had his head down on the desk sleeping. I went in to him and gently woke him up and told him that he should go home and go to bed. He said he often falls asleep like that when he was working and went back to sleeping on the desk.

I left him there and thought how strange it was that he would just stay there and sleep instead of going home. I wondered if that’s why his wife thought he was cheating on her. No wonder she left him.

Should I talk to him about seeing a psychiatrist? He is definitely a workaholic, and he’s way out of control. I’m afraid he’ll have a heart attack one night and be dead when we get there in the morning. — Concerned Work Buddy, Industrial Park

Dear Concerned Work Buddy: Your boss has two major problems: the addiction to work, and now the fear of going home to that lonely place he lives. This man may need an intervention, in the same way friends and loved ones do them for alcoholics and drug addicts.

As for his not cheating, there are many ways to cheat on a marriage besides an affair, lots of different exits that seem justifiable.

His exit from the relationship was the door marked “work.”

For some people, it’s the gym, golf, the computer, a charity, religion or even devoting oneself totally to the kids.

People involved in an exit often don’t even realize they are doing something dangerous to their marriage. As long as they don’t have sex outside the marriage, they think they are being true. In this case, Work was the name of this man’s mistress.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6