Drunk abusive mother won’t move into a home

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/05/2018 (3032 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel like I’m being abused by my alcoholic mother, who is not ready for a hospital, but is scared to sleep in her house alone. I’m single and semi-retired, so I sleep over and cook for her a lot of the time. When she gets drunk and angry, she makes threats toward me, even death threats, which I have on tape. She gets dressed up and is totally charming when the nurse comes. I told the nurse what had been happening, and she kind of laughed it off the first time.

The second time I spoke to the nurse, she listened. She said she knew my mother was an alcoholic, but at her age (in her 90s) not to expect she would ever quit. My mother was an ambitious working woman all her life who treated us kids like we were a bother. She was cold and abusive, but poured on the charm to all her customers. I hate sleeping there and doze six inches off the bed, worrying about her going crazy again and threatening to kill me.

If we take her to an assisted-care place that has accepted her, she goes straight home in a taxi as soon as we leave. What can I do? She says she’s terrified of dying alone at night, and cries if I go to my girlfriend’s house to sleep. I would appreciate hearing from anyone who has gotten themselves out of this trap.

— Abused Caregiver, Winnipeg

Dear Abused Caregiver: Caregiver abuse is gaining recognition and there are a number of websites now about elders abusing their caregivers (not just nurses, but mates, adult children and other family members), the many ways they do it and the kinds of help you can get. Take a look at the website elizz.com as a start, and then read other website material as well. And, dear column readers, please write in if you have solved caregiver-abuse problems.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is about One Breath Away. That’s the person with terrible breath. (Miss L. suggested she check out the problem with her doctor and dentist, as bad breath can be a clue to dry mouth, infections and other serous problems.)

I also had very bad halitosis. My husband was always telling me to chew gum. I did not get offended because this is what we had decided to do to alert me of the offensive odour. My research lead me to TheraBreath (toothpaste and rinse) to combat the bad-breath problem and I decided to try it. It is pricey — $12 for one tube of toothpaste at Shoppers — but I no longer have bad breath. No more chewing gum to hide the problem. It really works for me. She should give it a try.

— Friend, Garden City, Winnipeg

Dear Friend: Thanks for writing. It might be important for One Breath Away to delay things a bit and let her doctor and dentist try to find out what her body is trying to tell her before she masks the odour. Do you know what caused your halitosis, or what the toothpaste you bought contained that got rid of it?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m just weighing-in on the unpaid dog sitter (Shocked and Disappointed, who lamented she only got a bottle of duty-free alcohol for a week of dog sitting). My wife and I love our dog and we also love to travel. Enter, our wonderful work-from-home neighbour who dog sits for us.

We used to send our dog to canine camp while we went away, but regardless of how these places are billed, they are far removed from what is normal for anyone’s dog: they are loud, stressful, chaotic and far from relaxing.

A few years ago, our neighbour kindly offered to look after our dog while we are away. The two get along famously and money was never discussed. We are beyond eternally grateful for this most generous offer because our dog is not only happy and very well cared for — in fact, he hesitates to come back home with us. It gives us enough piece of mind to relax while away. We insist on paying him for this elite one-on-one service and the rate is $40 a day. If we can afford to go on vacation, we can afford one for our dog, too.

— Fair is Fair, Manitoba

Dear Fair: Lots of people couldn’t afford that much, but the one-on-one, in-their-own-home care, and the love and attention, walks and petting are worth a fair bit, unless the dog sitter really wants to do it as a favour, or payback for a favour already received.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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