Christmas is no time for sulking

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This article was published 04/12/2018 (2856 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My big French family has scattered. So here I am, one of three siblings with half-grown kids, alone in Winnipeg and no one to enjoy Christmas with us except grandparents. There’s my wife and four kids, which makes six, and we are used to having 12 to 24 people with us.

My wife has suggested we take a week’s trip to Mexico with kids and grandparents, and the teenage kids love the idea! It’s expensive, but both my wife and I have good government jobs and savings. Money is not a problem.

The big issue is no one’s coming home to Winnipeg for Christmas — we put out the invitation in early November, and not one bite! They’re all living in Alberta, and think we should come out there. What do you think?

— Robbed of Christmas, Rural Manitoba

Dear Robbed: Why are you being so stubborn? Having Christmas the way you used to, with all the siblings and children in Manitoba, is finished. Kaputski! Stop doing more of what doesn’t work — inviting, guilting and pressuring. Use your ample financial resources to pack up your family and grandparents for Christmas in Alberta. Forget flying south this year. A trip to Mexico would be a sulky one for you, and it appears you have the power to spoil it for the rest of the family.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I saw you printed my letter about my sister and I fighting, and our Christmas family dinner coming up. (Miss L. told her to go to dinner and be civil about accepting sisterly hugs she’s not comfortable with at this point.)

Thank you for that advice. I took a photo of the column and emailed it to my sister. I didn’t know how she would respond. Would it be with anger? Sorrow? She emailed me back with a “thumbs-up” emoji. That’s all, no words. I assume this is a good sign. Maybe she’s waiting for the family get-together to talk. But still, that’s not the right place. However, I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Keep up the great work.

— D&D

Dear D&D: The thumbs-up sign means “Yes, I agree.” But don’t try to initiate a serious makeup talk at the family Christmas dinner. A little phoney friendliness at family parties goes a long way to making your own life better. And you may need to accept the fact that she doesn’t want to reopen a painful conversation.

Listen, you and your husband sound like a nice couple, and your sister sounds like she has serious mood and memory problems arising from her illness. You should know people with ongoing illnesses tend to be self-centred. If they were feeling well, they’d be out enjoying their lives with other people, not thinking about themselves and their pain.

The people who have the most luck in family relations take this attitude: “Oh, that’s just so-and-so sounding off again, because she’s feeling sick. Let’s ignore it.” That’s easier said than done, but way better than engaging in fights and experiencing hurtful family rifts. Too much energy wasted.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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