Age gap no reason to pass on love

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/02/2019 (2467 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m deeply in love with an older man and don’t know what to do. He already had a family with another woman, and she left him for her high school sweetheart.

They’re divorced and his kids are in their early 20s. He says he’d be willing to have two more children with me. He is everything I want in a man. We fit together like hand in glove, and we even have related careers. But he is almost 20 years older than I am. Would I be signing up to be a widow?

— Never Want To Be Alone, Westwood

Dear Never: That was the question I once asked myself, and I made a mistake. I had my first great grown-up love when I was 34 and he was 63. Everything clicked, though we were generations apart. I was old enough for anything. He already had one grandchild and said he would have given me a baby.

He said what we had was more than love, it was “limerence” — the state of being infatuated or obsessed, with a strong desire for mutual love (not just for sex).

We were working at different times of the day and night. He told me when I was working, he’d drive around the city, listening to music and longing to be with me.

It was me who decided we were too many years apart — a foolish idea. It is me who still looks for him in every man I meet. I feel him around me, distantly, like a guardian angel watching over me. I will miss him until the day I die.

Age is not the measure of love, nor is the number of years you will have together. It is all about the magic of the match, with everything clicking in synch. It’s about having each other’s back, cheering for that person and always being there to pick them up before they fall.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is about My Children’s Protector, the mom whose second husband allows his big boys to bully her younger children. (She said he does treat them well when his dominant older kids are not around.)

Attempting counselling, as you suggested, is a good idea, as her husband goes mute and distant when she tries to talk. I realize he may not be willing to accept professional help, but the mom needs it, even if she goes alone.

If things don’t improve, the mother needs to put her children above concerns her husband might leave. Who wants a partner that disrespects her and the children? Never stay in a relationship out of fear your partner may replace you with someone else!

Her children will feel stronger and more empowered when they see their mom standing tall. I say it’s time to do that.

— Bring Out The Big Girl Pants, Winnipeg

Dear Pants: The Protector needs to face down her husband privately — with or without a counsellor — as there’s much that needs to be communicated between them in the children’s absence. Mom needs to make her feelings known. There is much to be gained if her husband sees how seriously upset she is, and that the problem, left unaddressed, could end their marriage.

The Protector may find out, as I suspect, that she doesn’t treat his bigger boys right, either. That may be why he doesn’t come down hard enough on them when they bully the younger kids. Full family counselling could be of great benefit to all concerned here.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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