Step up and atone for ‘lousy lover’ comment

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This article was published 31/07/2019 (2579 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I screamed and blew up at my boyfriend and told him it was “the end” and that he was a “lousy lover anyway.” He isn’t!

What I really should have done was just tell him how hurt I was over his staring at a big-boobed woman at the bar (I’m flat), talking to her for 30 minutes and ignoring me. But I didn’t. I shouldn’t have been quite so jealous and volatile. I have a hot temper and a big mouth.

I called him to try to apologize, but he wasn’t answering. Does he just need time to cool off and miss me, or is this the end? Does it mean it was never meant to be a long relationship? Please write back ASAP.

— Crying My Eyes Out, St. James

Dear Crying: Dry your eyes now, call him up once more and try to bind the wound from calling him a lousy lover. If he’s not willing to talk on the phone, write him online to say you’re sorry and express your remorse without making a bunch of excuses.

You can talk about how the blow-up got started later, after you try to get past the hurtful words you used on him.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a guy at The Forks and we went for a walk down the trail by the river, meeting people along the way. It was perfectly safe and fun as a first “pickup date.”

Then we met the next day to go to a movie and that was fun and I trusted him more. But then, when I asked him to come over to my place, he thought it was “too soon.”

Then I found out from a friend of mine who’d seen us on the trail at The Forks, and knew him, that he has a girlfriend who’s away for the summer at a job. Why didn’t he tell me? Am I just a new friend to fill in the time?

I asked him that tonight when I met him for coffee and he had to admit he has a girlfriend away working, and he is very lonely. I told him I felt used because he hid that from me. He said, “I never touched you and I refused your offer to take me home, so how did I use you?”

I just walked away and went home sadly. How can you know if someone new is really interested in you, or just filling in time?

— Just a Fill-In? Downtown

Dear Fill-In: Next time, ask questions before there’s any emotional tie at all — and in a friendly way, not an accusatory way. Questions like, “Are you dating someone right now? Are you single, married?”

These are good questions to clear things up. You can save yourself a lot of pain if you find out if a new romantic interest of yours is not really free to have anything with you beyond a friendship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m hurting and feeling awkward because my boyfriend has just told me he’s moving to Toronto and he hasn’t invited me to move with him.

My own work has Toronto headquarters and I could probably get a transfer there to work at some job, though maybe not the great position I have here in Winnipeg. But I’d take it! He’s just gotten a job out of university and can hardly wait to get started and I don’t blame him. He’s been broke for years getting his big education.

Should I offer to move with him right now, and get a job there? What if he says no, we break up and the whole summer is spoiled? On the other hand, it would be horrible to say goodbye to him and then find out he thought he couldn’t ask me to leave my job here, when work is often so hard to find in Toronto.

— Tongue-Tied and Miserable, Fort Garry

Dear Miserable: Suggest the possibility of asking for a transfer “later” when he’s settled and see if he’s enthusiastic. If he suddenly goes very quiet, it may be not what he wants at all. So ask casually. It’s a long summer, not knowing.

Maybe he just wants to go there on his own and live cheaply and see if the company likes him and he gets kept on after a trial period. Or perhaps he’s afraid of your being unemployed for awhile and his having to support you on money he really doesn’t have yet.

Also, he might be worried he’ll be homesick and want to get a job back in Winnipeg. Not everybody loves a big city like Toronto, especially in the first months when they don’t know a soul. Give him a chance to move there and find out if he likes the job before you apply any pressure to join him there.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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