Enjoy new marriage, forget about first fiasco

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This article was published 20/11/2019 (2461 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fell in love with a tall, fat man five years ago. He was jolly as promised by the old image of a Santa-like person I had in my head. We got married. OK, I asked him.

Three years ago, he went on a diet and exercise regime, lost about 100 pounds and gained a lot of muscle.

He also gained a fat head about his looks, which he never had before, and he began going to bars. He suddenly thought he was God’s gift to women and he started looking at me critically. 

One night, when he’d had too much to drink, he came home reeking of strong perfume. I gave him a dirty look and he said, “Why don’t you do something abour your body?” I shot back, “Why don’t you have a shower after you’re with another woman?” That was basically the end of us.

I went on to meet a medium-sized man — a little paunchy — and my ex married the Barbie doll, who turned out to have a drinking problem to match his. Last I heard, they were fighting.

Last I looked, my medium-sized, well-adjusted husband was smiling warmly at me, and I was thinking how much I loved him.

What’s my point? I want you to make sense of my first marriage so I can stop thinking about it. — Mixed Up Past, Windsor Park

Dear Mixed Up: You deliberately chose a guy who looked like a fat Santa Claus, thinking that would guarantee a jolly man and a happy life. Underneath that rotund body was an unhappy, embarrassed man.

He accepted you because you chose him, but not necessarily because your personalities were a good match. He may have felt grateful at first, but after some time together, that wore off.

Your husband may or may not have been inspired by the Barbie doll he met. But he was sick and tired of being the jolly, fat man for life — to make you feel safe.

He rebelled and became the “dangerous” super fit man for himself — and snared the glamorous doll to ride on his arm, making him feel like he finally got what he deserved…

Maybe there was no more love there than there was with you! Something started that lady drinking.

Look, does all this really matter? You and your middle-sized man are happy. You give each other a little slack on the body thing. You enjoy what you are, and don’t judge by the bodies that house your personalities. Forget about your first fiasco and enjoy your happy marriage!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into an old friend who threw me under a bus when we were working together. She came up to me in St. Vital shopping mall and tried to make out everything was all right.

She wanted me to join her Christmas shopping and I said no. She asked me to go for a coffee and chat, and I finally said, “Not in this lifetime!”

Then she launched into a tirade about people who can’t forgive, and it being Christmas and all. But, all I could remember was how she got me fired and saved her own skin.

Is a person obliged to make up with somebody who did them wrong, just because they offer an apology? — Feeling Kind of Guilty, St. Vital

Dear Feeling Guilty: You don’t owe an apology to this ex-friend, but you should say what you think instead of just refusing to hang out with her at the mall. Get it off your chest and you will feel a lot better.

Too often people hide their pain and it just festers. You’re still feeling pain over being thrown under the bus a long time ago, so you should have used that opportunity to tell her off, especially if it would make you feel better.

It’s annoying when ex-friends act as if the passage of time will blot out their cruelty toward you.

What do you have to lose if you get into an exchange of honest, angry words? You’re not friends anymore anyway, so what more can you lose but your old pain and resentment?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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