Time to rebuild shattered self-esteem

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This article was published 19/11/2019 (2456 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I recently got out of a relationship that left me broken. I lost most of my money in our house and property settlement, and more importantly, my self-esteem is shattered. I barely get to see my kids anymore and I just don’t know what to do. My ex is a vengeful and angry woman, who uses any opportunity to break me down. I know for a fact she is bad-mouthing me in front of our young children.

She has a new boyfriend who seems like a quiet, easy-to-push-around type of guy. Surprise, surprise, they met while we were still married.

I can’t even think about starting my life over again and I just feel so destitute. How can I get my life back on track and help my kids see I’m not the person their mother makes me out to be?

— Rejected Daddy, Tuxedo

Dear Rejected Daddy: You need to talk to your children and their teachers, if the kids are at school. The kids need to know this: “Just like kids, big people might say nasty things about each other, if they are hurt or angry. Even mummies and daddies. Sometimes, angry people don’t mean the things they say, but they say them anyway. Many times, they are sorry after.”

You sir, need to put a stop to the isolation. You need other adults as friends — not dates, but single people who know how you feel, many who have faced the slings and arrows of a vengeful ex-spouse. The Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends seminar program would bring you in contact with others suffering from many of the same difficulties you are in, and looking to learn the ways to rebuild.

It’s based on the book by the same name by Dr. Bruce Fisher and can be bought ahead of time to get a leg up on the course. It’s taught by Ray Antymis, who took the teaching course from Fisher himself.

The Rebuilding course starts Jan. 17, but is taking members now and fills up fast, especially since New Year’s is just six weeks away, a time when many people resolve to change their lives. Antymis also runs an activities club called Adventures for Successful Singles — which you could join now for sports, arts and social activities — where you’ll find people are kind and friendly. For both the Rebuilding course and the activities club, call 204-775-3484.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I cheated on my now ex-girlfriend and the one before her and the one before that one. I’m basically a cheating louse and I can’t figure out why. Part of me longs for a perfect long-term relationship, and I think each woman is great at first and introduce them to my friends and all my family. But once we hit the one-year mark, I usually start to wander. I get caught cheating and it’s over. My family now sides with the woman.

Is there something wrong with me — or the women I am dating? Should I talk to a professional? My family is starting to really treat me poorly since we are now on the third breakup. What do I do to regain their respect and live a normal life?

— Finally Willing to Try, Selkirk

Dear Willing: It’s interesting you don’t just date, but get deeply involved. You do the preamble to perhaps an engagement with all the family introductions. But then you undermine the whole thing with cheating — and you do a poor job at that. In fact, you do it so obviously, you always get caught. Then she has to reject you and you can squirm away.

What you need to learn to say is, “You’re a nice woman, but not quite right for me,” as soon as you feel restless. Get out before you cheat and don’t wound each lady to her core… Is there some reason you might prefer to leave it to the point where she finds out and gets blindsided? Was there an experience in your life where you got cheated on and ditched, and now you’re punishing the women who came after? These questions are best worked out with a psychologist and you can make your own appointments; no doctors’ referrals are needed.

Look, you’re fed up with yourself or you wouldn’t have written. You want to stop being a louse and learn how to be a standup guy. You may even discover you’re a guy who never wants to marry, and that’s OK. Maybe you just need variety in your life in every way.

You can just tell each woman that, and a few of them will actually like it and say, “That’s a relief.”

As for your totally fed-up family, introductions to a sweetheart should not be made until you’re sure she’s the one and have actually married her. You can’t blame them for feeling angry and jerked around. And none of them would want to chance going to a wedding where the groom might not show up.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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