Trust instincts in response to old ‘friend’

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/06/2020 (2246 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I recently ran into a very bad “friend” — one who got me in trouble all through high school, and who bullied me in many ways.

He was passing me on a park running path and almost crowded me right off. I recognized him somehow out of the corner of my eye, and stopped fast, thinking he would carry on, but he recognized me and came back. He had the same smirk on his face as when he used to name me the lookout guy at parties where we were all drinking and experimenting with other substances and girls. He never got nailed for anything. I always did.

He stopped, and wanted to talk. I said an uncomfortable hello and quickly, “Well, I gotta run — my wife’s waiting for me!”

I felt just like the big weakling I was in high school, running away from him and what he called his “little projects.” Will I never get over those feelings? What harm would it have done to talk to him? Instead, I literally ran away. I thought I’d grown past this, but I haven’t.

— Bullied Forever? St. Vital

 

Dear Bullied Forever: You weren’t wrong or cowardly to sprint out of there. That was not a stupid move. Your internal alert system still had him near the top of the list for “instant avoidance.”

He approached you with the same old smirk he’d have when he’d make you the fall guy at a party. You sensed something similar in his face as he was coming to talk, and cut him off. Who knows, he may have had some deal he wanted to cut you in on. Nothing like a dishonest little project, is there?

 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Love is like a boomerang at our place. I throw it out to my wife with a loving gift like washing her car — and somehow it comes back and wallops me in the chest. She’ll complain my car-washing leaked water in through her windows, or there’s a streak on the paint job, or I washed it just before a rain. I can’t win!

I pull away from her, as I don’t need the hurt she can dish out. After a week or so of my coldness, she starts to panic. Then she turns up the heat, throws some sex my way, and then retreats for another two weeks of being snarky to me.

I want to say I don’t know what’s wrong between us, but I guess I do. I cheated on her two long years ago and she found out about it. I begged her forgiveness and she said she did, but I don’t think that’s really the case.

Every time I try to show her love, she just gives me lacklustre sex, which she thinks is enough to keep me away from other women. I’m a human being, and I need love as much as sex. Maybe it’s ruined forever, but she was starving me for sex before I “slipped up” two years ago. It’s not easy to break up as we have four kids.

— Thinking of Giving Up, Southern Manitoba

 

Dear Thinking: You two are speaking different love languages. You speak with loving actions as you think the activity of washing her car is saying “I love you.” She complains — which probably means she’s still hurting from the cheating, but she can’t say it outright.

Then you react to her complaining — and grow colder again. After a week or so of that she gets scared and thinks she better give you some sex, or you’ll cheat again. But sex without warmth and love is not what either of you want. It’s not enough after what you two have been through.

The only third party you need in your relationship now is a good marriage counsellor, so you can finally work out the problems between you. Then you must learn how to speak each other’s love languages, and start giving love in the way each of you understands and appreciates it.

 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife had a fairly lively social life before she met me. I was no slouch myself.

Last fall we bought a house in her old neighbourhood where she has lots of friends. We met lots of the old gang before winter set in. Now she and a few buddies — a mixed group — are getting together for a kind of reunion, though not a high school one. They are on the phone and computer day and night.

I feel left out. I finally asked if I could help and she said, “Ha! You’re not part of this group.” I found out recently she’s in contact almost every day now with her old boyfriend from this gang.

I confronted her and asked her today how she’d feel if I was on the phone daily with an old flame, and she said, “You’re just jealous about our committee and trying to put that on me.” Do you think there’s a reason to worry?

—Worried Anyway, Winnipeg

 

Dear Worried: Your wife was hoping you’d feel embarrassed — and maybe even apologize when she accused you of jealousy. Instead, you made her turn the situation around and see how she’d feel, and she knows now. But she isn’t going to stop, so it’s time to get serious.

Have a second talk. It’s alarming that she’s not caring how you feel about the daily contact, and what it means for your marriage. Nobody should be left to treat their mate in a way that makes them feel hurt, jealous and helpless.

Consider this move: Drop in on a reunion meeting on any excuse and say hello to everyone, including the ex-boyfriend. Then shake his hand and say meaningfully, with a steely eye: “I’m the husband you’ve heard about,” and see how he reacts. Once you shine a bright spotlight on this suspicious situation, the flirty fun is likely to be over.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.