Birth-dad dilemma calls for a bit of compassion

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This article was published 16/06/2020 (2258 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m writing about the 14-year-old girl (“So Curious”) whose birth father suddenly wants to meet her on her birthday. Her parents think she should wait until she’s “of age,” but I agree with you when you said she should be allowed to meet him sooner. I think she shouldn’t be shamed for wanting to meet her father!

However, I think it’s extremely selfish of the birth father wanting to meet on her birthday. She might dedicate her birthday to seeing him — instead of seeing friends or family — and she could have bad birthday memories for years to come!

If she really wants to meet him on her b-day, her parents should do what you suggested (be around, meet the birth father too and be prepared for tears, happy or sad, afterwards). I think she may need a trip out for dessert afterward to get over it!

If she’s upset for days or weeks after, there should be no saying “I told you so.” Just weather this situation with her.

It could be the meeting goes fine but is uninspiring, and she may not speak about him much afterward, so the family carries on even stronger than before.

This could be a “yield to win” strategy, which is often successful, especially when dealing with teenagers.

— Thinking About Her, Manitoba

Dear Thinking About Her: Thanks for your thoughtful letter. I have had many letters about meetings with birth parents, from people who are teenagers to those in their 50s or 60s. Whether it turns out to be good, bad or just plain awkward, it needs to be done, no matter if you’re just a little curious or really obsessing about it.

Some birth parents develop a relationship with the son or daughter they never knew, while for others it’s just a one-time visit with questions asked and answered.

Sometimes both birth parent and “child” have a long list of questions prepared, take photos together, and find out about relatives and medical concerns in the bloodline. But some do start up a real friendship that lasts. Almost always, the adoptive parents remain the ones who are loved most.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing about your comment to “Blowing This Out of Proportion?” about the girlfriend who was “nasty” to a dog that simply approached her. I don’t think her nastiness could also be directed towards small children, as you suggested.

I didn’t grow up with dogs or babies. We grew up with cats (low-maintenance, and I love them) but the first time I ever held a baby was when my wife delivered. Yet, I am a great dad!

We don’t have dogs around much and my kids are scared when a larger dog comes bounding towards them. When I see an unleashed dog approaching me, I have no idea how to react. Are they friendly? Are they threatening to my kids? I guess what I’m trying to say is that, to a certain extent, loving them both (babies and dogs) is a learned behaviour. Love your columns!

— Jeff, Winnipeg

Dear Jeff: We don’t know exactly what “nasty” thing this young woman said or did to the dog, but her boyfriend used that exact word, and was very upset and turned off. He wasn’t feeling nearly as loving towards her anymore.

I’m admittedly biased towards kind people who are anywhere from tolerant to loving towards cats, dogs, birds and other critters big and small. I think It’s good to learn how to interact with animals we will meet up with in this life. It’s also good to know how to interact with babies, as you know!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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