You made the bed, now you get to sleep in it

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/07/2020 (1922 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got caught in an affair that has been going on for almost two years now. My wife is a very unusual woman. She said she’d be willing to overlook this, if I could do the same for her.

She says sex had also become boring for her in our marriage, and she’s interested in having an affair with a man who has been after her for years. She won’t say his name, although she’s known my affair lady’s name for some time.

In the interests of our growing children, she would like to stay together until they are in college, but to have an open marriage that only includes my other woman and this man — so no dating others. We’d have a sexual “bubble” of four people. She says the man she speaks of is “beyond reproach.”

Right. If he’s been chasing after my wife for years, how is he beyond reproach? I know I have no right to say this, but it makes me feel jealous. She says he’s disease-free, but how does she know that? I get the feeling she’s already seeing him, and who knows for how long!

So, I guess I’ve gotten away with having an affair (sort of) although it was only meant to be for sexual satisfaction, not to replace my wife who is the love of my life. With family life and my wife working a lot, things had just gotten terribly dull in the bedroom — it felt like a duty.

My wife didn’t seem to care if I touched her or not. After my affair came to light, I asked her if she would like to go to counselling to try to rejuvenate our marriage. She said, “Sorry, it’s too late for that. We’re way out of balance.” What the heck does she mean by that? — Don’t Understand Her! River Heights

Dear Don’t Understand: Your wife means she needs to even things up. You have had two women for who knows how long (your word on that point is not worth much to her), so now she wants to feel equal in power.

She doesn’t want to feel like the poor, wronged “wifey” and, frankly, she’d like you to suffer for a while.

You’ll have to decide if you can stand an open marriage, with her in control, at least for a time.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I wandered into a restaurant at lunchtime and sat at a table where my line of vision provided me with a clear view of a woman who looked familiar. She was a girl from my old high school who was hugely pregnant and eating with another woman.

I dropped her my card as I was leaving, and said “Call me if you want to reminisce!” and gave her my best 1,000-watt smile. We had dated in Grade 11. She called that evening and we had a three-hour talk.

It turns out she’s having this baby because she’s getting older, isn’t married and wanted a child desperately. This blew my mind! She said her close girlfriends are supporting her very well, so she’s not feeling alone. The sperm donor is an old male friend. To support herself and the baby, she has a thriving online business she operates from home.

The point is, I really, really like her! I got off the phone and realized I really missed the boat with this girl back in high school. She is terrific, amazing, funny and hard-working.

She’s also very pregnant. I don’t even care. I think, “Good for her!”

I just re-read my letter and it sounds like I have a big crush on her. I guess I do. Now what? — Big Crush On Pregnant Lady, Winnipeg

Dear Crush: You need to talk to her more, as in chatting on the phone, where it’s perfectly safe. She is close to having the baby now, so she won’t want to take any chances on health complications.

You do seem romantically interested. Just a thought — did you ask her if she has a male or female love partner in her life? It would be good for you to know that, and right now!

She seems to be very open with you. That may just be her nature, or she may have really liked you, too, in Grade 11 and again now as an adult man.

She seems like the type who’d be totally open with you about her life, her sexuality and her feelings about you, so, ask away!

She may only offer friendship right now, as her life is about to get very complicated. If you were willing to just be a pal for now, with no pressure, who knows what might happen later?

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is a great guy to the outside world but strangely silent and withdrawn at home. The kids wonder why their dad will never do anything with them.  He doesn’t seem interested in his growing children and there are three of them.

He doesn’t want to hear about my busy life as a homemaker, either. He’s just resentful because he has to “bring home all the money.” But, when we go out in public or to see friends, he snaps into Mr. Talkative Personality with people.

The guy I fell in love is that guy! Why did he disappear? Why is he such an introverted guy once he walks through the door of his house and his kids rush up to greet him?

All he wants to do is sit down and wait for dinner. Then he’s out the door, to go golfing or to “play cards” with his friends. He rarely tells me where he’s going. What do you think? — Confused By His Two Personalities 

Dear Confused: There’s something about walking through that door that depresses him. That’s your biggest clue so far, so why don’t you act on it?

Lots of women with three kids work and share the heavy-duty expenses of a home and family. He openly says he wants you to go back to work to help out with the money, as he is paying 100 per cent. Maybe he’s carrying a very heavy debt load. Do you know how much it is?

He is angry with you, acting depressed and disappearing every evening. Perhaps he’s got a diversion going on outside the home, like gambling. Some people gamble heavily in private clubs and buddies’ basements.

Or, he may be seeing someone else on the sly. There’s also a chance he’s become seriously depressed, but hides it in public when you go out. Depressed people can put on a show for the public sometimes. Maybe that’s the only time he feels like his old self.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.