Slow down, take your time to find ‘just right’ lover

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/01/2021 (2055 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I always get one half of a relationship, and not the other. I was first married to a guy who was so lazy about sex after we got married that I finally left, after crying out, “What are we, just friends and nothing else? I can get other friends!”

My second husband wants sex, sex, sex all the time, but stopped being my friend and helpmate about three months after we were married. He’d like to have sex three times a day now COVID’s here, and he’s working at home. But my feelings for him have crashed and my attraction to him left with them.

Now I’m stuck with a husband who wants sex and sports on TV — both at once if he could have it all his way. He’s a walking you-know-what! I’m planning to free myself before we have any children. Please help me get my love life figured out.

— Can Never Get Both Halves, southern Manitoba

Dear Can’t Get Both: It’s time to stop rushing into marriages with guys who seem exciting. Other than friendship and sex, what else have you got from both relationships? There’s no mention of sweetness, love, shared values or activities in either of your marriages.

A marriage is not composed of two major parts, as you think. A deep bond has at least five or more important components. Certainly, emotional feelings of deep love have been an important missing ingredient in both of your marriages. And you don’t even mention the word “love” yourself, in either case!

You also need compatibility of lifestyles and interests — and shared values. Then you also need sufficient time to test out your relationships. When you think someone might be right for you, you still shouldn’t rush in. It’s time for a test run, without living together, as people can put on a show the first six months to a year or more. (Keep your own place so you can break up, if and when you need to.)

Is loneliness the driving force for you to get married quickly? You need more than a man in your life, so you’re never desperate again. Take a break on the husband-hunting to concentrate on deepening existing relationships with friends and family. That way you aren’t starved and can take your sweet time getting to know a man.

Time will tell if a man’s got everything you want, and you have everything he needs. That test should take at least a year. Good luck in slowing things down and finding a real multifaceted love that lasts for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: At first, I thought I was doing well with the COVID thing. I even went through a whole list of things I was going to do, and did about six of them. But then, it just felt like phoney make-work projects I was doing, because I couldn’t see any of my friends.

In the fall, I was getting out for walks and activity, but then it got really cold and the snow fell, and I just felt like staying inside. I just play games on my computer and work from home now. Please help me! I don’t want to fall into a deep depression — that’s not my usual style — but I feel like I’m on the edge of a deep hole looking down.

— Boredom Blues, Fort Garry

Dear Blues: You need to connect with people in a big way. Rather than making another list of things to do by yourself, tackle this: Start by making a big, long list of all your friends, close co-workers and relatives, along with their phone numbers.

Call them on the phone the old-fashioned way or get on the computer and use free programs where you can see who you’re talking to, like Skype, Google Duo, Zoom, Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp or others. Once you start connecting with people again, you will get your head up and stop looking down that hole!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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