Be a calming influence for son and family

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/01/2021 (2088 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I should be happy with the big news this week, but my heart is breaking. My son’s girlfriend has announced she’s pregnant.

My son is destroying his life, and I’m lost as what to do. He has been dating this girl for a few months and within this time he was welcomed by her family to move in. Now my son — and me for that matter — are tied to this dysfunctional family. They scream and fight with one another like it’s a normal thing to do! The police must be on speed dial as they are there at least once a month.

At times, my son comes back to my home, where he lived before dating her, because he can’t stand the stress in her house.

Understandably, his girlfriend has many emotional problems. She lies like it’s the truth, and starts fights when things are going well. It’s like calm feelings are too foreign for her.

Her family is on social assistance. My son is working full-time and helps to support her family with his paycheque. What to do?

— Worried Sick Grandma, St. James

Dear Worried: Since your son’s girlfriend is pregnant, you have two choices. First, you can pull a long, disapproving face and see very little of your grand-baby when the little one arrives. For a second option, you could welcome this child as a gift from the universe and provide love and support — whatever kind is needed. That may include helpful gifts of baby supplies, diapers and babysitting, even offer some money to your son to help out.

Consider this: you can befriend this girl — the mother of your first grandchild — and if she trusts you, she may let you spend a lot of time with the baby and with her, where you can do some (subtle) teaching about healthy, happy baby care and peaceful relationships.

Don’t fill your son’s ears with criticisms of this girl he loves, or you won’t see much of the baby — or him! If you are loving and pleasant, Baby Momma may unwittingly pick up some of those calm behaviours, and stop being nervous about a home with little drama.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a few suggestions for Loving Son, the man who moved in with his wife to keep his mom company, and all she did was grouse. The son faced up to Mom, teased out the reason for her pain (she lost her husband and another son in winter, and mourns during that season every year).

I think Mom should have a private meeting with daughter-in-law, in which she acknowledges her meanness, how it hurt the young woman and why it happened. It will validate her daughter-in-law’s hurt — and provide a little humanity.

Finally, I suggest they all prep for next year’s sad season and have a plan to acknowledge and remember those who have passed.

— Susan, Winnipeg

Dear Susan: Prepare for next year? How much strain can you put on a marriage? Things aren’t likely to be peachy with the husband’s mom, even if there’s an apology and a kind of peace.

They need to get mom socially connected again with friends and family by phone and online, and then consider moving perhaps 10-15 minutes way by car, but not next door. To flourish and last, a couple needs privacy and to rule their own roost — with their own rules, customs and rhythms. And they also need some sexual freedom.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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