Flirting details a bit too much after recent loss

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This article was published 10/06/2021 (1892 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a widower of three months. My wife was very ill for a number of years. I cared for her, like any good husband should. It got very tough, especially the final year. When she passed, I have to confess, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

I feel horrible saying this, but at 68, I don’t know how many good years I really have left. During a number of these years, where I was just looking after her, life just passed me by.

Since she’s gone, some women friends of hers are calling me up. I’m actually enjoying the attention, and I told my adult children about them, particularly one who’s been kind of “stalking” me.

I thought it was funny. My daughters blew up! They are “very disappointed” and “heartbroken” that I’m even talking to these women. They think I must not have loved their mother to be flirting with women so soon.

They’re quite angry, and my youngest is not speaking with me right now. But I still have a life to live. Am I wrong? — Shunned By My Children, North Kildonan

Dear Shunned: You were telling inappropriate details of your social life to your children, who are still in mourning for their mom. They are in greater pain than you are right now. The last years wore you out, and you mourned, well ahead of the passing.

Adult children love their parents, but they’re not your intimate buddies, and never will be. You have “over-shared” your way out of a good relationship with your children right now. Keep your private life private, and in a little while — no more than a month — try to reconnect with your kids.

Give them time to miss you. In a few weeks, send them each a card saying you understand why they’re hurt and angry with you, and that you’re sorry and will reconnect soon.

You might explain that you were very lonely the last few years. Also, tell them how much you loved your wife (if you did). When they reply, and ask what you’re up to, be very careful. Say, “Seeing my friends,” and change the subject. Mainly inquire after their lives, and any grandchildren.

You have a need to talk about your dating? A widowed male friend would be good — as long as he can be trusted to keep quiet about it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve always been a loner. I didn’t have a ton of friends growing up, and have usually kept to myself. The early pandemic was like heaven for me — no more having to justify to people why I didn’t want to go out. Unfortunately, that’s starting to change.

Now that I work from home, I feel like I’m not even getting that tiny amount of human contact I never knew I needed. I feel embarrassed to admit this because I was so vocal about loving the lockdown!

How do I go about finding human contact these days? I don’t know what to do, but staying at home for over a year is taking its toll on me. — Shut-in, Grant Park

Dear Shut: Believe it or not, something good has happened to you during this pandemic. You’ve learned to value the company of other people. You’ll probably never be extroverted but you’ll stop crowing about how great it is to be left totally alone, which really pushes people away.

You’ve also learned the company of real people in your workplace was actually an important part of your social life (sometimes quite enough for your daily needs). When things open up, and you get back to the workplace full-time, be sure to tell your boss you’re up for working “in house.”

When that happens, be noticeably friendlier and interested, and ask people how they fared during their COVID year at home. Let them talk and respond in a nice way, and then ask another question. That’s a good rhythm for a shy person to learn.

Consider inviting a few work companions out to lunch once a month on a patio when it’s safe. As an introvert, you can be the instigator of outings, but don’t have to carry the conversation when there’s a number of people.

As for meeting and dating people, hang on until your double vaccination has had proper time to kick in. You can meet people online now by joining common interest groups or playing group computer games. Good luck with your friendlier new lifestyle!

Questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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