Role reversal rehearsal should settle things

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/08/2021 (1818 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend is a risk-taker and I’ve always been a bit of a wuss. In the beginning, she liked to scandalize me sexually, and I liked to be scandalized. Now she’s tired of being the leader, and has challenged me to step up to the plate. Oh boy. I was not born to be a sexual leader, and no one would ever describe me as dominant. I’m a pussycat — very good on the cuddling, and I do what I’m told. I’m no good on leading any crazy adventures. Help please!

— Can’t Switch Roles, East Kildonan

Dear Can’t Switch: You could tell your lover you can’t switch — or just try it and see what happens. Controlling people will naturally snatch back the reins if things are going nowhere, and resume the dominant role. So, do your worst, and get this role-playing situation back the way it was meant to be, when you first teamed up.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My home used to be party central. Every holiday, birthday or “just because” event, was held at my place. I was so excited to have the COVID restrictions lifted. I hosted a huge family dinner, and the night was full of fun, catching up and laughter. But after two hours, I couldn’t wait for my family to leave! After they left, I started spraying and sanitizing everything, even though everybody here was double-vaxxed.

Obviously, I’m really not ready to get back to the life I had — and do I even want to? Am I the only one feeling worried and anxious after a social get-together? What is going on with me?

— Fearful Reaction, River Heights

Dear Fearful: After restrictions were lifted, you dived into social waters that had been dangerous for more than a year. You were trying to re-adjust, and perhaps you went a little too fast. Don’t be hard on yourself! Somebody else can host the next family get-together and you can still wear a mask, if you feel more comfortable.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife graduated university and landed a fabulous job — with big money. She hit the ground running and gives 100 per cent. I thought we had a marriage and a life together, forever, but, I’m alone most of the time now when I’m not working, and when I go out, it’s alone.

I’ve tried to talk to my wife, but she just tells me someone needs to be bringing in the money — as If I’m not working! I’m tired of making excuses for why she’s not with me at events.

Recently, I’ve met someone who’s fun to be with. She understands my situation and isn’t looking for anything more than a friend-with-benefits situation and someone to chum around with.

I haven’t taken it further yet, but if my wife doesn’t smarten up, she’ll be married all right — but to her job and not to me.

Trying to talk with her is not helpful, because she doesn’t care to hear my point of view. If we ever do go out, it’s to something she wants. If I want to do something, she’s negative and high-handed. She says, “I’m not only not interested, but I have work to do!”

—Sick and Tired, East Kildonan

Dear Sick and Tired: When someone offers to be friends and “just” have sex, it’s not a safe offer. No one knows where the relationship will go once you become intimate. Sex is often more fun and exciting with a new partner. You end up wanting to do it more and more, and deeper feelings enter the picture.

It’s pretty likely this female “buddy” is promising you this casual sex-and-friendship deal, hoping for more once you get a sample of what fun life could be with her. You could be on the brink of a big affair. Are you ready to take the chance that could break your marriage up?

If not, you need to warn your wife you two need to fix the problems in your marriage, starting now. She will see the look in your eye and hear the gravity in your voice. Have some names and phone numbers for different relationship counsellors in your hand. Ask her which person she’d like to see, or if she has any other counselling suggestions. Then she’ll know you’re dead serious.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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