Young man not obliged to justify disability

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This article was published 22/08/2021 (1866 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a young man with an invisible disability from a motorcycle accident. It flares up, especially after driving a bit longer distance, so I have a disabled parking permit for my vehicle. The pain I experience when walking is unbearable at times and I limp then, but at other times I don’t have a visible limp at all. That’s when I get some dirty looks.

I recently ran into a casual friend at a beach parking lot, who saw I was not limping that day, and asked me how I got a “fake sign for primo parking.” I told him to do something anatomically impossible! I just don’t know what to do, other than wrap my leg in a bandage or use a cane and look like an old man to stop these people from making comments. Any suggestions?

— Young Guy, Old Painful Leg, Grand Beach

Dear Painful Leg: You need a one-sentence medical explanation to use, only for close friends. As for sly dogs who ask you how you got the parking permit, stop feeling guilty for needing something they want to get dishonestly.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing in response to Fearing the End, the daughter of an over-90 mother who’s losing her memory and calls her daughter by her sister’s name. (I suggested talking to less-emotional friends about it instead. —Miss L.)

While the sister is a nurse, she may need some support as well. She has not lost her own mother before. Both sisters might benefit from getting support from someone at the Alzheimer Society of Manitoba (alzheimer.mb.ca), regarding end-stage dementia and communicating with her loved one.

Also, Palliative Manitoba (palliativemanitoba.ca) or Canadian Virtual Hospice (virtualhospice.ca) can help with the stages of grief and offer support now and after her mother’s death.

— M.Y., East Selkirk

Dear M.Y.: Thanks for your help and contacts. Losing your mother — especially not having her recognize you — is a strange, painful situation. Both daughters are understandably upset, and taking it out on each other.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: During the pandemic, my sister and her husband have put on so much weight. They were heavy to begin with, but now are huge. I guess the expression on my face when I first saw them after a year said it all. My sister said to me, “Don’t look at me with your judgmental eyes!”

Well, as you can imagine, our first visit in over a year did not go as planned. My sister has heart and diabetes issues now.

My husband said, “if she doesn’t care, why should you?” I do care! I’m saddened to think my sister could have a heart attack and die.

Now, she’s not speaking with me. I’ve called and left a message apologizing for my “judgmental” look. She has yet to respond. What am I to do? I don’t want to lose my relationship with my sister, but I also don’t want to lose my sister to health issues.

— Big Fat Mouth, Transcona

Dear Big Mouth: Have you heard the Dan Hicks song How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away? Well, it’s time for you to go away for a bit. Apologies over hurtful remarks don’t work instantly. Give your sister a short period to hate you, another few weeks to dislike you, and a whole month to start missing you.

Then call and break the ice with a short, newsy call from your end — 10 minutes max, and another call a few weeks later to ask about her family. Finish by asking her to give you a call sometime, and if she doesn’t, you call her. Never bring up the old weight issue. Your husband had it right — it’s not your problem.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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