Don’t further isolate misanthropic mother

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This article was published 16/10/2021 (1765 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother is a lonely old lady, probably because she annoys the heck out of everybody. She’s rich, but tight with her money. She’s also very opinionated, swears in front of the grandkids and can’t shut up — and now I think she’s drinking a lot as well.

I picked her up before a recent family dinner and I could smell liquor on her breath. My younger brother said to her, after getting a whiff: “Mom! Have you already been drinking? If you can’t say anything nice at the table tonight, don’t say anything at all.”

So, at dinner, Mom said not one word, even if somebody directed a question at her. She’d just take another drink of her wine while giving them a venomous look.

She managed to get quite drunk doing that. After dinner, she was loud and rude, and my brother said: “Here’s your coat, Ma. This train is leaving now!” He took her right home. My question: Should we stop having her to family dinners and what should we do about her behaviour?

— So Sick of Her Rudeness, Tuxedo

Dear Sick of Her: It’s time to get help for your mother, instead of shunning her. There’s something wrong. She’s angry, and she may be drinking at home where you know she’s lonely. Drop in with gifts of food and treats on unannounced visits in coming weeks and check this out.

Perhaps she was just drinking nervously at the dinner, but she could be drinking at home all day every day, which could be dangerous in many ways.

It sounds like she needs to see her doctor for a physical and mental check-up. Her doctor needs to be tipped off as to her behaviour. It’s also important to find out if she’s getting proper nourishment or if she’s just eating snacks with her drinks.

Of course, Mom needs companionship — we all do. So, get yourself educated on what possibilities there are for her. She might enjoy an assisted-living situation where everybody has little suites, there’s a dining room for group dinners and musicians come in to entertain.

First, you could get yourself in the right frame of mind for helping your mom help herself by checking out posts from Connie Newman, executive director of the Manitoba Association of Senior Centres and a well-known advocate for older adults, at wpgfdn.org/centennial-essay/connie-newman. Her favourite motto is “knowledge is your best power.” She’s well-versed in services and activities available to seniors in Winnipeg. Gather up everything available and show your mom.

P.S.: Make sure she’s vaccinated, so she can mix and mingle safely with others.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fell for a girl just before COVID and we were pretty happy, tucked away together at her place or my mine. But, this summer, after we both got vaccinated, I sniffed a little freedom and started looking around.

I’m afraid I’m getting restless, but afraid to let go of this girlfriend — for my sake and hers. What if I don’t find somebody else and COVID cases take off and we’re completely shut down again? Then I could be home alone most of the time. But what if I break her heart when I leave her lonely? She’s a great person, but just isn’t someone I want to marry, and she’s hinting at me to move in with her. I’m dragging my feet. I know the answer is not yes, but should it be, “No, but let’s keep going until the fourth wave is over?” That sounds pretty cold and selfish. What do you think?

— Feeling Restless and Guilty, Winnipeg

Dear Restless: Now you know for sure you want out of the relationship, it actually sounds colder and more selfish to fake it and not tell her your truth. If you tell her, she can look for someone new who really loves her back, which would be the best situation. You’d also feel free to do the same. The truth is generally the best idea, even if it hurts at first.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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