Best to channel heartbreak into practical action

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This article was published 16/02/2022 (1362 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I feel numb inside. I thought I’d surprise my husband and have his work vehicle detailed. I went out and started to gather up all his papers when I noticed a few greeting cards with long mushy messages. As I started to read them, I could see an office affair had been taking place for many months. All those late nights and out-of-town business trips make complete sense now. I know who the woman is.

Without even thinking, I walked back into the house and threw the cards at him! He didn’t even bat an eye, just gathered some of his clothing and left.

Now, I’m heartbroken! I love my husband and want to work things out. It’s been over a week with no contact. He won’t answer my calls. He hasn’t even contacted our children.

Why do I feel like this? Why do I even want him back? What should I do?

— Heart Breaking Every Day, west Winnipeg

Dear Heart Breaking: You want him back because it feels like your world has crumbled, but it will start to take shape again, once you start taking action. It’s interesting your husband said not one word as he left — he just needed his clothes. That signals he had an alternate place to go on short notice — his affair partner’s place, a buddy’s or perhaps his parents’ home.

You need a plan to get yourself righted. First make an emergency appointment with a marriage counsellor for just you, either in-person or online. It’s important the kids do not hear it. Take them out of the house to Grandma’s or to a babysitter for a few hours. You need to talk things out, possibly rant and cry, but then start to get re-organized fast.

Your counsellor will suggest best ways of making contact with an unwilling partner, and how to approach it.

You also need to see a divorce lawyer ASAP to protect yourself financially. “Being nice” to your husband about your finances — including the home where you live with your kids — will not bring him back. You need a home to live in, and monthly child support from your ex.

Do you have a job? Can your parents or siblings help you out financially and otherwise in the beginning? Take your focus away from winning the man back, and put it on surviving this crisis and planning for the near future with proper support for your little ones. As for trying to chase him down, you know where he works and a lawyer will know how to get his attention.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a man with a girl problem — I can’t get one. The reason is I’m too heavy. I dated a cute girl from an online website recently, and she got a little drunk. She was fun, but when I asked if I could see her again, she said no a little too loudly. I begged her to tell me what was wrong and she said drunkenly, “Nothing, you’re just too, umm… fat. Your picture didn’t show that. When was it taken?”

I had to admit it was a picture from about five years ago when I was slimmer. My face never changes much though. So, what can I do?

— Never Chosen, St. Boniface

Dear Never Chosen: If you’re advertising yourself with a slimmer photo, you should take it down — unless you plan to trim down to match it. You could also put a realistic recent photo up, and see who likes you just the way you are. Truth in advertising is important in the online dating world, particularly on apps like Tinder where people start off choosing someone by seeing a photo of them they find attractive.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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