Don’t get too hung up on traditional protocols

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/11/2022 (1421 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m writing about the man kept out of the loop, who found out about a conspiracy of his live-in girlfriend to leave him if he doesn’t propose. He has every right to feel angry and betrayed! This woman wanted the old-fashioned proposal, but not the “living apart until marriage” tradition.

It’s impossible to know which old-fashioned values she likes and which she doesn’t, unless she shares this information with him!

As someone who was blindsided like this guy, my advice to him is to be the “dumper” and not the “dumpee.” Mature women who are able to articulate their wants and needs, do exist. He doesn’t need to be with someone who doesn’t respect him enough to be honest.

— Found a Mature Woman, Crestview

Dear Found One: Some people live together for a time and suddenly decide they want a formal commitment. The young woman in this case was too proud to confess her desire for a proposal.

When her live-in love didn’t get the urge to propose on his own, she felt hurt and angry — and then started getting her body in shape to attract a different man! Yes, her guy has every reason to be upset, but if he loves her and deep down wants to marry her, why throw out the relationship? This blow-up could be smoothed over with a long talk, tears, apologies, and later, a ring and proposal — with a happy wedding to follow.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was deeply touched by the letter from “Lonely for Life.” The woman served a short sentence in jail as a young woman, but has been clean ever since. How sad that she feels trapped into never dating by a youthful mistake! Let me offer some comfort.

Nearly 30 years ago, I met my current wife. We hit if off quickly and started dating. When my new girlfriend realized we were getting serious, she made a confession to me of a youthful error she was afraid would end my interest in her, but she needed to be honest with me.

She confessed to me she’d had a baby in her late teens, the result of being hit on by an older man where she worked. She gave this child up for adoption with regret, and that baby has never become part of her life. So sad!

I assured her this event did not change my feelings for her in the slightest. We continued to date, became engaged, and married. We are now well past our 25th anniversary, and still totally in love.

I’m writing to assure “Lonely for Life” that youthful errors remain part of your past, but should have no effect on how you feel about yourself today. There are many men out there who, like me, will hear about your youthful error and tell you it does not matter to them. It is who you are today, not who you were many years ago, that counts.

— Lucky in Love, Manitoba

Dear Lucky: Sharing with you the secret about her early pregnancy freed your wife up, for whatever came her way in life with you. Should that “adult child” one day come looking for their birth mother, you will not be shocked and will be able to handle the meeting together.

The trouble with hiding secrets is they don’t diminish with time. They often sit there like a rock in the gut. It’s not good for the mental, emotional and physical health. Luckily it can really help to confess those secrets to a counsellor, who keeps everything private. Even just sharing them the first time can release significant pressure and shame that has been carried for so long. Repeated sessions help untangle more and more painful feelings, and can bring people to a place of peace.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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