Find the right partner for bedroom balance

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This article was published 06/12/2022 (1413 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My athletic new girlfriend thinks she’s really hot. She started off being lots of fun, in an aggressive and humorous way. I’m a weightlifter and a very big guy, and I thought we were a perfect match. Recently, I’ve found her sexual demands growing tiresome. Her need to “lead and succeed” is so strong, she can’t take turns being submissive, in the power games she wants to play.

After many weeks of letting her have her way with me, it was time for some give and take. I don’t want a weak woman, but I don’t wish to be a constant submissive either. Last weekend l took the lead back from her for a change, and she didn’t like it one bit. What should I do?

— Big Guy, Manitoba

Dear Big Guy: This new romance has turned into a wrestling match, without the scripted humour. You need to understand this may not just be fun play-acting for your girlfriend. It may come from a previous issue with male/female power. You’re OK with exchanging roles, because it’s still playing to you, and you’re the much bigger person. The fun and laughter is gone, so it’s time for both of you to depart the ring, and find new partners who are more suitable.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a stay-at-home mom, age 36, with two kids and a husband who’s become a mystery. Everybody else would say he’s a nice man, husband and father, but he’s gone stone cold and indifferent to me. For almost 15 years we were pretty happy, but the last three years, I’ve had a gut feeling my marriage has changed.

My husband is not around much, he talks little, and he hardly looks at me. I plucked up my courage and asked why he’s so indifferent. He says his company is short-staffed, he’s working longer hours and he’s tired. But, it’s more than that. I feel coldness, neglect and a deep loneliness. I finally concluded he was seeing someone else. Finally, I started looking online for friends — not boyfriends — and I accidentally met a wonderful man who understands me.

He made me laugh, and he had all the answers to my questions and most of all, he had time for me. He is a single-again man — separated, not yet divorced. I am falling for him, but my family is also important to me. What do I do?

— Emotionally Confused, Winnipeg

Dear Confused: You don’t know for sure your husband has another woman, or if he is married to his failing business. Maybe its’s going broke and he’s about to have a breakdown. See a counsellor alone, talk this over, and then ask your husband to come with you. Pay for it, even if you have to get some financial help from a family member.

If he’s in financial straits, the best thing you could do is go back to work and help him shoulder the family expenses. As for the possible girlfriend, you have never actually asked him or turned any proof. You said you “concluded” he was cheating. Frankly, he doesn’t sound happy enough for that! He may just be miserable, scared of the future and lacking energy for sex. Depression and feeling like a failure can kill your sexual desire.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My friend is stubborn and doesn’t take helpful suggestions well, though she solicits my advice all the time. She will call me up to “say hello” and spend anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes complaining about someone or something. After she finishes ranting, she’ll say, “What do you think about that?” I start to give her an answer which I feel is relevant, but she cuts me right off with, “Why would you say that? What do you know?”

I’m confused, not knowing what she wants from me when she calls. It’s starting to take a toll. Her calls leave me sad, angry and hurt at times. How should I handle her?

— Tempted to Say Goodbye, Southdale

Dear Tempted: Stop taking the bait from this “friend.” She’s calling to blow off steam and you’re an easier target than the person she’s mad at. She doesn’t want your real opinion; she wants you to echo her feelings about everything.

Next time? Say in an even voice, “You don’t value my opinions, so let’s talk about something else.” It will be a short phone call, because she needs you as a target for her anger.

Next time she calls and starts complaining, say seriously, “That’s it. I won’t be a target for you anymore.” Then devote your time to kinder friends, or making new ones through a new activity.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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