Ex obsession a red flag he’s not ready to date

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/01/2023 (1311 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I started dating someone recently who talks about his ex way more than anyone else I’ve ever dated! I know it’s normal for people to talk about their last relationship, from time to time, and even I have done that in this relationship — but this guy talks about “her” all the time.

We’ve had four dates. He is very handsome, has a good job and makes me laugh, but his last relationship was over last summer — six months ago. I get the impression he thinks I’m really into him. In reality, I was giving him chances, but by the fourth date, I’m running out of patience.

I guess the reason I’m writing you is because I worry he isn’t over his last girlfriend. Is it appropriate at this point to just straight up ask him if he’s still not over her?

— Date 4, Any More? Osborne Village

Dear Date 4: He’s had four face-to-face chances with you, and he’s blown all four. By all means, ask him if he’s over his ex — but ask him over the telephone, so you’re not looking at his handsome face. That’s a weakness for you.

So what if he’s cute, has a decent job and makes you laugh? Those are low hurdles to clear in the dating world.

He’s not decent dating material, because he’s using you to air his grief over his last girlfriend. He probably knows it’s rude, but he just can’t help it.

Why? First, he’s still bleeding, emotionally. Second, you don’t excite him quite like she did — but it’s not your fault, as nobody could, at this point. He doesn’t mind using you as a bandage, but he won’t be able to open up to someone else until he finally heals.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just spent Christmas in a house full of unappreciative, critical people. Every time a gift from me was opened by my wife or kids, it was met with them saying things like, “Why did you get me this?” or “I asked for something else!”

I work a lot, and yes, I could be home more, but how did my family get this way? I blame my wife, as she’s from a rich family and was spoiled by her doting parents. Also, she has had to be the one to spend the most time with our children.

I have to travel for work and sometimes my wife and I have great days, but this Christmas just felt awful. What can I do? I would rather have been anywhere else in the world than home, being belittled by my family at Christmas.

— Feeling So Low, south Winnipeg

Dear Feeling So Low: It’s not about your wife coming from a wealthy background. Your inappropriate gifts told your kids what they already know — you’re out of touch with them. You don’t know them well enough to pick something they’d enjoy, and because you don’t have a close emotional bond, they weren’t sensitive to your feelings, either. How about giving them that gift in 2023 — their father’s new attentive, affectionate attitude and more of his time?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend recently told me she has resented me for a lot of things that happened a long time ago. We’ve been together and unmarried for almost a decade, mostly because she used to complain about how “marriage was just a way for a man to try and control a woman.” So, I never proposed.

Well, this year, she drops it on me that she’s been waiting for me to propose, and resents me for not doing that, too! Then she tells me about all the crap over the years that she’s been stewing over.

Well, guess what? Now I don’t want to marry her. I don’t even want to share the bedroom with her anymore. I feel like I can’t win. I didn’t want to break up over the Christmas holidays — and now she’s apologizing! I feel too cold to get back into the normal routine of what our life had been like. Is it over? I keep telling myself it isn’t, but I can’t help but feel the opposite.

— Travelling Business Man, Downtown

Dear Travelling Man: You two can’t limp along like this through life, together. Your longtime live-in stored up huge, important secrets, like her change of heart about loving and trusting you enough to marry you.

Your unfortunate secret? You would have wanted to marry her, but you went along with her “men-will-control-you” idea for 10 long years.

Yes, you’re halfway out the door now, but you still care. Take one last look back, and consider this: You two could go to serious relationship counselling, deeply apologize on both sides and learn how to change your secretive styles.

Then, even if you do end up splitting, you won’t be so bitter towards each other.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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