Not taking her out is classic sex-buddy treatment

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This article was published 31/03/2017 (3459 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been seeing this guy for six months and expected there would be some sort of commitment to me by now, but he never takes me outside his doors. He just asks me to come over, cooks for me and takes me to bed or out for a moonlight walk.

My husband and I broke up over his addiction to gambling. We will never get back together, but my present guy keeps asking, “But what if your ex gives up gambling? You loved him before you knew about it, didn’t you?” I guess that’s a fair question but I assured him my husband’s gambling debts were so severe I covered them so he wouldn’t get his legs broken. I lost my respect and my love for him along with all my savings. There is no way I still love him underneath. How do I convince this new guy to commit to me? — Just Hangin’ Out, West Kildonan

Dear Just Hangin’ Out: It seems this guy may be using your gambling ex as an excuse not to commit to you. He’s giving you classic sex-buddy treatment, hidden in his home. I suspect he still goes out scoping the town for a woman who really clicks with him, big time.

He doesn’t have the compelling love feelings that would make him chase you with an engagement ring. You don’t mention his saying anything about love to you and he’s not introducing you proudly to his friends and family, nor bringing you flowers and saying sweet words in your ear. Six months is long enough for a trial run. Dump this user now and get on with your own new search for love and romance that goes public.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a man in the hospital who was visiting his wife daily. She was dying. We became fast friends and had a lot of coffees together and great discussions on many topics. He’s an educated person and so am I. His wife recently died and he stopped coming to the hospital. I still have to go and see my husband every day, who’s in much the same shape as this man’s wife was.

I miss my hospital friend so much, I did this crazy thing: I knew where he lived, so I sent him a cute card. He has not written me back or phoned the number I gave him to call me to go for a coffee. Did I do something that was in poor taste for him to shut me out like this? My husband will never recover and doesn’t even know me. — Missing My Hospital Coffee Date, West End

Dear Missing My Hospital Coffee Date: Because you were both in the hospital visiting spouses and not making any private romantic dates, it must have felt all right in this man’s mind to have coffees with you every day. It may have been a flirtation to you (and perhaps to him), but then his wife died and he became a widower with a jolt. He naturally stopped coming to the hospital — that chapter was over for him and you went out the door with it.

He may have felt weird about you contacting him at home with your husband still alive. Now is really not the time for a new romance for him, and certainly not for you, so just let this go. It’s OK you checked to see if he still wanted contact, so you could get an answer and stop obsessing. Now, clear your mind of him. Men generally do what they want to do if they are given an invitation to make contact by a woman — and he didn’t pick up the phone.

Don’t waste time being mad at yourself. You have enough to deal with as it is without upsetting yourself over this man. It must be very lonely for you, but it would be best to wait until your husband is physically gone before you reach out to another man, especially a recent widower.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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