Slip of lips doesn’t mean kiss of death

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/05/2017 (3426 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m dying a slow death. I’m 15 and went to kiss my first real girlfriend and closed my eyes too soon. I missed her lips and then had to slide my lips over to where her mouth was. She wasn’t impressed and didn’t seem to want to repeat the experience. She’s not answering her cell or returning my Facebook messages.

Did I blow it for good? I don’t want to beg for a second chance at kissing her. A guy should just know, right? Next time I would keep my eyes half open until I landed on her mouth, but how do I tell her that plan?

— Lousy Kisser? South Winnipeg

Dear Lousy Kisser: A first lousy kiss does not make you a lousy kisser for life. Unless you can get her to talk again and joke about it with her, there’s no chance she’s going for take two, as they say in the movies. I hope you weren’t in too deep emotionally. Maybe it would be best to have a fresh start with a new girl, with your new knowledge about sneaking a peek until you’ve landed on her luscious lips. Hot tip: pick up a Harlequin romance novel from a second-hand store and you’ll learn lots of hot kissing moves.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is pregnant by her new husband and I’m a 12 year-old-guy who will be expected to babysit. I just know it. I’m worried because I don’t know what to do with babies. I have held some babies who were pushed on me by other relatives. I felt awkward holding the kid while the baby screamed its lungs out. What advice do you have for me, a guy who doesn’t understand crying babies? I’m worried.

— Not a Substitute Dad, West End

Dear Not a Substitute Dad: You have no idea how great that baby will make you feel when he or she immediately loves you and wraps a tiny little fist around your thumb and holds on tight. When they look into your eyes like little aliens, you will find the baby unique and interesting. Here’s the kicker, this little person may have eyes like yours, a nose you recognize, a certain smile or identical hair colour. This is not just any baby, this is your brother or sister.

Babies also have expressions play across their faces that are endlessly changing, and they are fascinating to watch. And you’ll enjoy their peaceful sleeping in your arms, while you’re watching TV. It feels really soothing.

Good news — the first few months of baby poop doesn’t smell bad and they love it when you take the diaper off and they can kick like mad. This kid will adore you. You will be like their personal movie star if you just relax and let it happen. There’s no sense in worrying about it now. This birth is going to happen in a few months whether you like it or not, but you’re in for a nicer surprise than you imagine now. Newborn babies are too young to be bratty and your mom will know tricks to settle the baby when he or she is crying. Good luck with this!

Dear Readers: This letter from a clever reader is in response to “Trapped in the Bathroom,” the man who locked the door to the bathroom when he was home alone and it jammed, and wouldn’t budge. A previous reader suggested using an object to take out the pins of the hinge in order to open the door from inside. 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Once upon a time, many years ago, I found myself locked in the bathroom just after the rest of the family had driven away for the day. I was 13 years old with no reading material and no pen or pencil to write a novel on the toilet roll. I did find a nail file and unscrewed the doorknob. Et voilà! Sprung! It was the kind of knob you push and turn to lock. I’ll find out if it works with other types should it ever come up again. Cheers!

— Unlocked, Not Unglued, Weston

Dear Unlocked, Not Unglued: Never underestimate the keen mind of a 13 year old who has been in school for seven years and is up on things, unlike many adults. What a smart young teen. You analyzed what you needed to do and what tools might be found in a bathroom and went to work. Hats off to you!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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