Husband lost all control after wedding

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This article was published 18/07/2017 (3308 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband has a hair-trigger sexual response and it just developed after we got married, right on the honeymoon.

I don’t know why he could control himself before that, but now he can’t at all. He used to be a great lover not that long ago. I don’t think he thinks he has to try anymore. I see no effort to hold back and pleasure me.

His attitude is, “We’re married now, we love each other forever, and can relax and do whatever happens.” I’m left high and dry every time.

I tried to explain this and he just laughed at me and said I would learn to catch up because we have years to practise. 

Maybe he thinks marriage is forever, but I am not of that school. For me, marriage is not an endurance test like I watched with my mother and father. My poor mom confessed to me when I got older that sex was a quick and unsatisfactory experience, and I vowed that would never happen to me, so this is like a nightmare.

Should I tell him that or would that make it even worse? — Unhappy Bride, Brandon

Dear Unhappy Bride: Confess your nightmare to the man you love. Tell your husband about your mother and father and how this business of his not trying to make sex good for both of you is shocking and upsetting you.

Ask him what happened in his mind when he said his vows. Does he think he’s got you forever, and now the extra “work” of foreplay is out the window?

Tell him that you know he can control his sexual response because he did that throughout your courtship. Also advise him his attitude to marriage — that he can let go now and not try to please you — could ultimately cause the marriage to fail, as you are not a person who married for life, no matter what.

You will not cheat, but you will leave if it goes badly for you, not stay and be unhappy like your mother did.

Ask him to go back to being the great controlled and thoughtful lover he used to be.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to a park with my boyfriend and his family who are from another country for a picnic. I ate many foods I had not seen in my life before.

Everyone wanted me to eat lots and enjoy, and believe me, I tried! Then I got sick very suddenly, and threw it all up at the picnic table.

People were alarmed but kind, and I felt I had insulted them and their nationality’s cuisine by throwing up. I tried to tell my new boyfriend’s mother how sorry I was and she just patted me on the back kind of weakly.

I went home in shame to spend three hours in the bathroom before sleeping it off. 

My boyfriend was anxious I would let this dissuade me from liking his family and he wasn’t entirely wrong. I guess it was more like I was afraid they wouldn’t like me and I’m afraid now of going to their family picnics. They love to go to different parks and lakes to have these great big family gatherings every Sunday all summer.

What do you think I should do to get to the point where I can eat everything and enjoy? I don’t think that can happen. I have some stomach issues and these foods didn’t cater to those issues. — Embarrassed Picnic Puker, Assiniboine Park

Dear Embarrassed Picnic Puker: It’s time to turn the table a little bit and bring enough of your favourite dishes to these picnics to share them with your new circle of friends (and possible relations) one day.

The great part is you will be able to confidently eat some of your own dishes that do you no harm and every one can be happy and share the rest with them.

When someone offers you a new dish, say thank you, take some, and say “I’ll eat this in a bit.” Then take a little, but don’t stand still while they watch you eat it. Carry it in a serviette you have in your pocket, turn and slip it slyly into your pocket that has a little bag lining in it. (It can be a sleeveless cotton vest. Go to the bathroom and discreetly dispose of it at some point.)

Make sure you pick out some dishes you know you can have, even if it’s just a simple fruit dessert, and make a happy comment. This saves you from saying no over and over again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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