Make friends with family members not involved in fight

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This article was published 06/09/2017 (2968 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This summer I met my boyfriend’s family on the East Coast. They were all so lovely and kind to me and each other, and really got me thinking about my own family. When I was a kid, my parents uprooted me and my brothers from Canada because of their work, and we lived in many different countries across the world. I came back to Canada for university and my parents remained to work.

A few months after I moved, both my grandma and grandpa passed away within weeks of each other. Inheritances and past tensions caused a big falling-out between my parents and my mother’s side of the family.

Some nasty things were said and done, and now they don’t speak. The thing is, my mother’s family is my only family in Canada and they only live two hours away, but I never see them. It can be pretty lonely when your parents and brothers live so far away that you see them only every year or two. I want to reach out to my mother’s family, but I’m scared they’ll reject me or my parents will be angry. What do I do?

— Lonely Heart, Winnipeg

Dear Lonely Heart: I’ve heard from many people in this situation. First, they meet online and then they sneak to meet. The older generation will one day find out the younger people are doing this, but by then it’s too late.

Not everybody in this group of relatives feels antagonistic toward you, especially not the younger generation. So, don’t involve the known squabblers — the aunts and uncles on your mom’s side — at least at first. Try to find the younger people online and approach them by saying you are their cousin and would like to meet them. Then write them about your interests, ask for a reply and tell them you’d like to meet for lunch or coffee. Tell them you would drive to where they live and send a few photos.

Use a friendly, optimistic tone and refuse to get into the money thing. If they bring it up, tell them you don’t know much about it and don’t care about it. Some people may be cool toward you and others will be fine. Don’t let the cool ones spoil the whole project. Good luck to you, and please write back to let us know how it goes.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just met a preschool kid who looks like me. He was with his parents at a neighbourhood baseball game. He had red hair, freckles and grey eyes. He was an engaging, easygoing kid and I liked him a lot. I don’t have any kids, but suddenly, for the first time, I felt a deep desire to have children.

I asked my husband if he had felt the same thing looking at this kid, and he said, no, he wasn’t ready for that scene. He came from a large family and suffered as the second to youngest from lack of love and attention.

We are newlyweds in our mid-20s. Should I back off or start a little campaign now?

— Wanting a Baby Now, West End

Dear Wanting a Baby Now: Whoa! Really solidify your marriage before you begin any baby campaigning. That could take a few years. Meanwhile, your friends may be having kids, and you can volunteer to do a little babysitting of the easy ones. Your husband may never have held a child before, or had a little one take a liking to him. He may be open to children some day, but most people who were ignored in a large family are not up for repeating that situation for any child.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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