Confront mom to avert future fights

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This article was published 31/10/2017 (3186 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother — a religious woman — hated evil Halloween and wouldn’t let us participate. My dad thought Halloween was fun and there were many arguments every year that my mother inevitably won because it was her who would have had to come up with the costumes.

My husband is a big Halloween fan and I find it very exciting to dress up in costumes and go out dancing or partying with friends on Halloween. We live in an apartment and take part in the candy giveaway over at our best friends’ house.

My mother phoned today and tried to drop her acidic anti-Halloween comments on my head. I started to cry just like I did as a little girl.

My husband grabbed the phone and told her to put a lid on it and not to call back on this topic. “You’re the real witch in this situation. I want you to stop behaving mean and evil and leave my wife alone or I will be out to visit you,” he said.

My dad phoned next and my husband took the phone and talked to him as well. They had a long talk and he apologized for my mother’s behaviour.

Apparently my mother is on the warpath after being told off. Now what? My husband would like to take her on, but I’m afraid he will rip the whole family up over Halloween. — Big Horrible Mess, Winnipeg 

Dear Big Horrible Mess: Now you have to take a strong stand. You have been the weak entrance point for your mom to get in and preach.

Let her call again and if she mentions one word on this issue, read a written statement you have prepared that says something like this: “Mom, I love you, but you are not allowed to speak on this topic to me or my husband or any children we might have in the future. Please call back the day after you have calmed down and can talk about something else. Bye now, have a nice day.” Click.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was raped five years ago. I know the man who did it; I thought he was a friend. I fell asleep after drinking at a party at his house and he took my clothes off and took advantage of me. In the morning, he told me he wore a condom, so it was OK.

It took me a few years to come to terms with the fact that he raped me while I slept. He is well-known in a certain industry; I see him everywhere on social media.

I can’t get over it and think about it all the time. I want him to be punished, but I know it’s my word against his. There are other women friends who will say I lied.

I feel that no matter what, he will get away with being a rapist. I know he has done the same thing to at least two other women.

I don’t know what to do. I hate myself for getting in that situation and hate him for being a predator. I want him to pay so badly.

Any advice about speaking to police would be appreciated. The other women won’t help. I’m on my own. — Speak the Truth, Winnipeg

Dear Speak The Truth: Don’t hate yourself for a crime perpetrated on you. Even though it’s five years later, you need some counselling on sexual assault and its after-effects. You need to tell someone who will listen to you and who will work with you.

You don’t actually need the help of the other two women you know about who you hear have been assaulted to go ahead and lay your own charges. You will need an experienced lawyer, though.

You should get professional help and work on the long-lasting trauma, starting now.

Your first step should be a place that understands all the issues around sexual assault. Check out the Klinic website on sexual assault at klinic.mb.ca, or call their 24-hour crisis line at 204-786-8686. They also have a confidential sexual assault crisis line at 204-786-8631.

You don’t have to suffer alone in silence.  

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6  

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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