Let married lover go, and move on to single partner

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/11/2017 (3194 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am hurting badly because I’ve been cruelly rejected by the man I proposed to. He refused me, then confessed while crying that he was still in love with his ex-wife. She has another man, but my partner says he’s praying nightly that this man will fail her and he’ll get a chance to try over again to heal the marriage and the family.

Dream on! I don’t know how he intends to do this when he was having an affair with me for four years (we work together) until his wife found out. She went crazy on him and kicked him out, told lies about him, and made him fight to even see his kids once a week. She never wants to see his face again, and she hates me. She blames me as much for the family breakup as him.

I blame her because she didn’t like sex except to procreate, and he’s an excellent lover. He actually became an excellent lover once I got a hold of him. All he needed was a little teaching. I guess she had no technique to offer.

He reasons that if she hates him that much, she must still love him that much, and maybe one day she’ll get over it. How can I deal with this reasoning? Should I give up? I love him and he’s a wonderful man.

— Loser in Love, Brandon

Dear Loser In Love: There’s a reason that people who divorce actually got married in the first place: in most cases, they really loved each other. In this wife’s case, she didn’t know her husband was enjoying great sex elsewhere. She went from a state of loving her husband, straight to one of shock and bitterness.

Seeing her great pain at discovering the affair may have re-ignited his feelings, and his hope to be back with her one day. And now he thinks he’s got something new to offer her — you made him a better lover.

This man used you as a sexual crutch, so he could stay with the wife and family he loved, and still have a great sex life on the side. It’s an old story, and in the days before women had their own careers, they had to put up with affairs to keep the children fed and decently educated.

You really need to look for work elsewhere so you don’t have to see hm any more. Can you imagine the insanity of continuing to work with him as he campaigns to get his ex-wife back? Imagine seeing them have another go at it. And, if they broke up again and he went back to you, can you imagine how your feelings would be complicated and changed?

Maybe another city would get him out of your mind, so you can get on with your life.

The next time you see an attractive married man, go into no-funny-business mode. That means no joking around about sex, no long talks where he complains and you comfort, just plain nothing. Instead, look for a single or divorced man outside your work, and turn the force of your charm, sexual expertise and love on him and hope for the best.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My partner and I always have a Halloween after-party on Nov. 1, where we eat a big dinner and then sit down with the leftover candy bowl and eat all the best chocolate and licorice. The trick is the heavy protein-content dinner, usually a pork roast, to balance the sugar. We drink non-sugary alcohol and finish up with coffees. It’s a grand tradition, we think. You’re welcome!

— Partners In Crime, St. Vital

Dear Partners In Crime: Thank you for your, er, inspiring ritual. Traditions are important in long-term relationships, and I guess this has been one of them for you. Good luck in your life together, sweethearts!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography