She’s correct to make a fuss about beauty on the bus

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This article was published 17/11/2017 (3213 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband seems to be enjoying the company of another woman from our neighbourhood whom he met on the bus. They sit together and talk. He sent her a friend request on Facebook, and when I asked about it, he acknowledged he likes understanding more about people he finds interesting.

He says it is no different than any other FB friend. I kind of think maybe it is since she is single, isn’t a coach of our kids, doesn’t work with either of us and our children have no connection. She’s also very beautiful.

This new connection raises some flags for me. There have been some painful and recent cheating and separations in my extended family and maybe that’s affecting how I feel about this, but it doesn’t bother my husband. I don’t feel good about it. Am I wrong to be questioning this?

— Unsure Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Unsure Wife: You would be wrong not to fuss about this. Marriages sometimes require goaltending, especially if there’s an aggressive player coming down the ice looking to score and the net appears to be open. Flirtations can accelerate easily with no interference. So have a talk about fairness (a big male value) with your husband, who has been happily accelerating this friendship with a beauty on the bus.

If he’s allowed to have outside attractive, single-female friends he’s seeing alone daily and talking with online, does that mean the marriage is becoming more open? Ask him! Can you then, in fairness, enjoy the same online activity with single or divorced, good-looking guys whom you also talk/flirt with regularly at your work, or at your kids sporting events? I doubt your husband would like that idea. He needs to think about it from your point of view.

Tell him you would like to meet this friend of his, even if it requires going for a ride on the bus to work. Watch his face and body language carefully as he reacts to that suggestion. You can boldly tell him you love him and are going to fight for your marriage.

Another move is to message this woman on Facebook, explain who you are and suggest you meet for a chat. If something romantic is starting to happen for her and she knows the wife is onto the budding friendship, she may get turned right off.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fell in lust with a divorced man at my charity fundraising group and followed him around like a puppy dog. I decided it would be best not to go back to the group, as I was making a fool of myself. I was fine until the man called me at my work and asked why I wasn’t coming out any more. I said I was too busy and got off the phone fast.

I went to the bathroom and trembled. That’s how this man affects my emotions and my body. I’m a very passionate woman as my husband knows — and my husband received the benefit of my excess passion in recent months. This has happened before a few times over the years. Now I just lie in bed and don’t want anybody, and my husband doesn’t get it. I have totally lost my mojo. I’m so mixed up. Please help. 

— Gone Numb Again, River Heights

Dear Gone Numb Again: So, you’re using your husband’s body and emotions to satisfy the lust another man kindles? Is there no way you can rekindle the sexual relationship with your husband? It seems he’s attractive enough to you to satisfy you once you have a fantasy man to get you stirred up.

You really need to see a relationship counsellor privately to talk about the marriage openly and specifically without hurting and insulting your husband.

Then try to bring in your husband to work out the blocks to intimacy and real passion with him, which you must have had once or you wouldn’t have married. (Unless you wanted him for other reasons such as money, status, babies, family pressure, biological clock ticking or even revenge on a previous man.)

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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