Neighbour sleepless over noisy lovebirds

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This article was published 25/05/2018 (3005 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a grad student. I’m happy my neighbour is finally getting lucky, but his girlfriend sounds like a wounded puppy. At first, I thought it was just the bedsprings, but the more comfortable she gets, the more she wails in accelerating crescendos, like a symphony. It wakes me up on a regular basis!

I’m glad this dude is a Steady Freddy and getting some daily action, but I’m at the point where I need my sleep so I can finish this thesis. I’m actually super happy for this guy. But man, can’t he ask his girlfriend to put a sock in it? What can I do?

— Dying to Play Nine Inch Nails for Payback, Winnipeg.

Dear Dying: The most obvious move is to slide a complaint note under your neighbour’s door. Not a complainer? Play games with these lovers instead. But be sure you aren’t mocking the innocent.

Sneak out into the hall when they’re getting noisy and see if the racket is coming from above or below you, or one of the suites on either side.

Then, start toying with them, until they get the message.

Use a bell or a whistle or rap a shoe rhythmically on the wall, in between the crescendos.

If you’re too shy to do that, be aware building superintendents are regularly asked to intercede on behalf of people who need loud lovemakers to turn it down. Until somebody complains, these body bumpers may not even be aware how loud they are. 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend loses his glasses every 20 minutes. He hates them because he thinks they age him, so he puts them down and then can’t find them. He refuses to wear them on an “old lady chain” around his neck, so forget that. I don’t know what to do with him. I love him and don’t want to be at him all the time.

— Frustrated Girlfriend, River Heights

Dear Frustrated: Would he wear a sexy-looking pair of prescription sunglasses this summer? Could you quietly gift him with a second pair of glasses?

When you are a person who loses glasses regularly and you’re a driver, it’s dangerous to only have one pair. One could be kept in the glove compartment of his vehicle and another one on top of the fridge, so he either finds the glasses that go missing or he grabs another pair.

There’s no rule that you can only have one pair of glasses. It’s time your man bought backups.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: One year ago I met a woman who stole my heart. She also stole my money when she left me — just $200 to get her to “the next town and the next clown,” as she would tell me later. She always found the good-lookers who’d buy her stories about a rough childhood. As it turns out, she’s from a good family, but she’s a drifter who gets waitressing jobs in places across the country with her good looks and leaves when any guy gets too close. 

I knew of her pattern from a drunken conversation with her once, but thought she would stay with me since I loved her so much. She doesn’t seem to “get” love from anyone, thinking it’s “just sex” or “just sympathy.” My friends say to let her go, but I want to find her again, and this time save her from herself. I still love her, God help me. 

— Heartbroken, St. Boniface

Dear Heartbroken: Why do you want a woman who doesn’t love you? What is it about you that just wants to give love and save a pretty girl, but doesn’t need to feel love back?

These are the questions you need to explore. The problem is not really about her, it’s about you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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