Unabashed apology could break grudge cycle

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This article was published 19/08/2021 (1868 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Big problem! We just came home from the lake two days early, after a fight at my sister’s cabin. Our son punched out his cousin. When I say “out” I mean the kid was lying on the ground crying, holding his head. He had a bleeding cut and a bruise above the eye.

My sister threw her boy in the car and took him to the doctor in the next town. He’s OK, but the bruise is “terrible” according to his over-protective mother. She told me on the phone the boys won’t be seeing each other “in the foreseeable future.”

The last thing we need is another family rift. We have an older brother who doesn’t speak to either my sister or I, and our mother hasn’t spoken a word to our father in 15 years. Obviously, our family doesn’t know how to work anything out.

What should we do? Please help. I don’t want to lose my sister and, although he doesn’t say so, my son doesn’t want to lose his cousin.

— Exploding Family, Lake Winnipeg

Dear Exploding: Lots of families have a big fight or two. But only a few families have learned to hold grudges that last for decades. Enough of that nonsense!

Here’s how to try to break the ice. Don’t ask to meet, as you might get a stubborn no. Instead, try an ambush. Drive over to your sister’s, with your son — at a time when they should be home, like after dinner or near bedtime.

Offer up a gift like an ice-cream cake decorated with “We’re sorry!” written on top. Then say, “Let’s sit down and eat this thing because it’s starting to melt!” (even if it isn’t).

Yes, the apology will be a bit awkward and goofy, but that’s what it needs to be — nothing polished. Look, no one in your family has even tried to make up after fights before. Your sister will be relieved because she already lost one brother to a fight and resultant longstanding grudge.

Bring a game or something for the boys to play with. They may want to play first and eat cake later. That’s OK. They’ll go out and leave you and Sis some time to smooth things over, the way adult siblings should.

Then you two can plot a way to get back with your older brother, other than waiting for you mom or dad’s funeral. I’ve seen some of those way-late reunions, and they’re so sad.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m crazy in love with one of my young high school teachers, and I’m going to see him again this fall at school. Yes! He used to look at me like he liked me too.

I hear through the grapevine he’s single again. Before, when I was in his class, I heard he had a serious girlfriend — and I had a boyfriend already in first year at Red River College.

I look completely different now — older for my age. I only have part of Grade 12 to finish. My best friend says I’m an idiot to think I have any chance with him. What do you think?

— Hopeful This Year, Winnipeg

Dear Hopeful: It’s not going to happen, as this man is a teacher and you’re his student. You’re hoping to bowl him over with your new look, but it’s completely inappropriate for teachers to become involved with students, so get it out of your mind and turn your interest to someone with who you could actually develop a relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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