Time for truth in wake of maternal bombshell

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This article was published 12/06/2022 (1576 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was taken in as a baby, and never knew it. It turns out my older sister (by just one year) is actually my cousin.

My biological mother is now dead and gone, so I can’t talk to her about this. My acting mother (who is actually my aunt) is annoyed I went “digging around” and found out the family secret.

She said this week she “wouldn’t listen to any more from me” and that I was “lucky she took me in,” and that I “should be grateful.” Why would that be? She never treated me as well as her “real” daughter, and now I know the reason.

Is there anything I can do to make this better? It’s just a horrible mess right now and I’m doing a lot of crying.

— Extra Baby, northern Manitoba

Dear Extra: It’s understandable you feel your world has been turned upside down. What are the things you are most hurt and angry about? Why has your aunt/adoptive mother said she “won’t take it” anymore?

What do you wish you could say to your deceased birth mother, who lost her baby to her sister? Maybe she was not part of the decision to give you away and suffered because of it. In a letter to your mom, write down your feelings of hurt and bitterness in being cheated of your birth mother.

Of course, you can’t give it to her as she’s deceased, but it may feel better to get the pain expressed and outside of you. You might even take the letter to the place where your birth mother is buried, and read it aloud to her.

Where are the grandparents in all this? It might be good to visit them and find out exactly how this decision was made. They have answers to many of your painful questions and you really need to hear them. Who is your birth father and who are your other blood relatives? Please write back about how it’s going in your search for the whole truth.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m so frustrated! I have a boss who’s really unreasonable. I’ve been trying hard to just smile and nod when they give me unwarranted criticism, but it is starting to take its toll on me. I’m happy to receive valid criticism, but I don’t appreciate being berated for things that are not my fault, not my role or not even possible for me to influence.

I’m doing my best to be a good employee and the rest of my colleagues seem happy with my work and give me plenty of praise. It’s frustrating to only ever hear the negatives from my boss, especially when the things I’m told are not factually correct.

It’s such an odd scenario. I just got blamed for something that happened while I was away, and when I mentioned that I was not here and unable to address it, I was told, “We need to look forward not backward.”

In any other situation I’d stand up for myself, but I really want to have a future with this company. We aren’t unionized so I can’t grieve the behaviour. I need options as I’m getting close to losing it!

— Wrongly Criticized, Winnipeg

Dear Wrongly Criticized: When there’s a big pothole in the road — and there’s no way through it — sometimes you have to adjust your usual thinking, and go way around it.

The worst thing you can do is complain to this boss’s superior if the two are close friends. If you’ve got good reason to suspect that’s the case, you might need to identify somebody in a different area of the company who respects you and might want you on their team.

Depending on the human relations personnel, you might be able to get some help there. This boss who’s being unreasonably critical may have behaved the same way with others, and there may be a recorded history, making it easier to find a solution for you.

If not — and you feel totally stuck — it’s time to start looking for similar companies and to make a move before a move is made against you. As the old saying goes, the only thing worse than being hit is waiting to get hit.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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