Gift sell-off signals deeper issues to unwrap

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This article was published 16/07/2022 (1540 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I made an unexpected stop at my daughter-in-law’s home and noticed she was having a garage sale. Well, what a surprise when I saw the gifts I’d given her over the years scattered all over the tables. There were glasses, bowls, furnishings, small appliances and clothing. She had priced most of the items for next to nothing.

I was shocked and hurt, and the look on my face told her as much. She said, “I’ve told you many, many times not to buy me things!” And with that, she walked off.

She’s never spoken to me in that tone before! I’m puzzled as to why she is treating me like this. My son is working on the road, and would never have allowed her to speak to me as she did.

Now, I’m unclear as what to do. Should I talk with her? Tell my son? Leave well enough alone?

— Cut to Ribbons, River Heights

Dear Cut To Ribbons: Your son wasn’t at the garage sale, so his wife’s tongue finally came loose! It seems she’s had a big problem with you for years. She hasn’t wanted any gifts from you, and has told you that before, yet there was a whole table full of gifts from you, so you clearly didn’t listen to her and kept on giving them.

What actually happened way-back-when? Ask your son to tell you, as there’s nothing left to lose now.

Could the grudge actually have started at the altar? Are you particularly close to your son and have a lot of influence on him? Time to get everything out in the open!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The letter from “Less Important Daughter,” whose mother has continued to mourn her dead child for many years and brings the death up at every “happy” occasion or milestone for the living child, struck a chord with me.

Like your correspondent’s mother I, too, have lost a child to death. My older son died a few years ago. Unlike your correspondent’s mother, I’ve not used my grief to wound my other children.

I’ve continued to be their mom, to celebrate graduations, first jobs, weddings, and any and all milestones. My living children are as dear to me as my dead son. Every child is important to a mother, and no child should be made to feel they don’t measure up to a dead sibling!

You suggested that the daughter steer the mother to the support group Compassionate Friends. That’s a good idea, but after 10 years, this woman seems to revel in the “grieving mother” role, so I’m not sure if CF could do much for or with her.

While I empathize with any mother who has outlived her child, this woman’s behaviour is beyond the pale, and I can only marvel that the daughter has stuck it out this long. Her mother has put herself and her tragedy ahead of her responsibilities as a mother and potential grandmother. If there was an award for self-centred mother of the year, she’d win it.

My advice for the daughter would be to focus on her own nuclear family and let her mother know she’s welcome in her home to visit her only grandchild, but her “If only the other child was still alive” mantra stays on the doorstep, and does not infect any relationship she may want to have with her grandchild.

—Loving Mother, Winnipeg

Dear Loving Mother: It may be hard for this long-term grieving mother to tamp down painful feelings when something wonderful happens in the family that the deceased child will never experience. But it’s no doubt harmful to the living children.

It’s good you’re able to celebrate all that life gives, with your living children, and not make them feel less Important than the deceased sibling.

Not everybody is able to do that, and many need professional help from a psychologist or psychiatrist — for themselves, and for their living children and spouse. And yes, there’s always the kind support group Compassionate Friends willing to listen and to help. But I agree, this woman needs very serious help, so she stops hurting the living children and grandchildren.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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