Ill friend will understand your fears, welcome visit

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/07/2022 (1510 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I feel like the worst friend in the world. My friend has been diagnosed with cancer and I can’t figure out why I can’t go in his house to see him now.

When he was first diagnosed, I sent an angel card and flowers, and also went to visit him. Another friend set up a GoFundMe page to help with bills, as he couldn’t work any longer. I contributed a sizable amount.

Now, I want to call or message him, but stop short of actually doing it. I’ve found myself on two occasions now, driving to his home, sitting parked on his street and bawling — but not going in. Please help me understand why I am behaving in this horrible manner.

— Feeling Sad and Guilty, North End

Dear Sad and Guilty: You need to identify the emotion behind the “I just can’t do it” feeling. If going over to see your friend creates a fear of breaking down crying and making it worse, be aware of this: He will understand a few tears, and even hug you and shed a few himself.

You think he doesn’t cry sometimes when he’s alone? Once that little interlude is over, you can blow your noses and talk.

If it’s the fear of not knowing what to say, just confess, “I wanted to come and see you before this, but I was afraid I might say the wrong thing.”

Your friend will no doubt smile, because he’s seen some of that awkwardness already with friends. It’s an honest reaction and I’m sure he’s OK with it. He’ll be happy to see your face and to have a friend to hang out with to just chat about ordinary things and get bits of news about people he knows.

So, just deliver yourself to your sick pal’s house, and go in the door. Say, “Hello, my friend, I’m here!” The visit doesn’t have to be perfect. Maybe bring a little gift or some old photos of friends in your group. No matter what happens, you will both feel better having had the in-person visit.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to my grandparents for a few days at their lake. My grandma told me that “bad” girls who wear makeup and sexy clothes and go with boys too soon get bad reputations that follow them their whole lives. And she says that no man wants a bad girl to marry and have a family with. Is this true?

— Wondering, age 12, Wolseley

Dear Wondering: I’m guessing Grandma is in her 50s or 60s — so that wasn’t even true in her day! It’s true some great-great grandparents — now in their 80s or 90s — used to try to scare girls, so they’d be careful not to look too sexy or hang out with the wilder boys. Girls were sometimes warned not to smoke, drink, swear, wear mini-skirts, do drugs or have sex, as they wouldn’t be respected by the boys and taken seriously.

People are not so harsh in their judgments of young women anymore. So, tell your mom what your grandma’s been saying to you. Then try to “listen in” to the phone call, when your mom tries to straighten her out!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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