‘Return to sender’ best response to smarmy ex

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This article was published 25/09/2023 (1048 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: On my September birthday for three years now, my loser of an ex-boyfriend has been sending me birthday cards. I don’t respond to them, but then he always calls me to see if I received the stupid thing!

It was my birthday this week and he just did it again! I don’t want another icky conversation, where he says we should “let bygones be bygones” and broadly hints we could get together for some “birthday fun.” Yuck!

Recently I found out another one of his exes is also getting the smarmy birthday card treatment. That makes me mad — like we’re his little circus ponies! How can I get rid of him and this game he’s playing, for good?

— Totally Disgusted! Garden City

Dear Disgusted: This ex-boyfriend pictures you opening his birthday card and being excited, or even upset! It gives him a little thrill to know he may have gotten to you.

So, send his next birthday card back unopened, and spoil his fun. He’ll see he’s no longer in charge of his own game.

The point for him is to give “his” exes a dig, and make a play for them on their birthdays, when they might be vulnerable and wanting company.

Unfortunately, some single people have the occasional lonely birthday, and he’s hoping that’s the case. Prince Charming has probably had quite a few himself!

As for his using the phone to further annoy you, block his number so he won’t be able to get through at all anymore.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and we’ve been married for seven. Recently he’s been wanting to make love a lot more often — every night of the week, and sometimes during the day. We have two young kids under four, and I’m exhausted most evenings.

The thing is, I always thought we were a great match because we’re both not very sexual. I was sexually assaulted as a teenager, so I’ve always felt awkward in bed — something I’ve been working on in therapy. My guy has always had a low libido, so our energies just kind of matched.

I am, of course, happy about this change, as it allows us to be more intimate with each other, but it is just too often for me. I don’t want to hurt his feelings when I’m just not feeling up to it, because I just can’t make love every night — too tired. How do I tell him?

— Tired Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Tired: First, find out what has changed for your husband that makes him want to have sex so much. Where is this extra energy coming from? Has he changed jobs, lost weight or gotten into a sport. Perhaps has a woman flirting with him at work or online? Does he secretly want to have a third child?

You also need to look at your fatigue and lower level of need, and help identify for your husband the times when you’d prefer to be intimate.

Then there’s the “place” issue. You might not want to make love in the bedroom that shares a wall with the little kids’ room. Some moms worry the kiddos will wake up and be frightened by the sounds, and then sex loses its appeal. Can you possibly fix that situation with a rearrangement of beds and some music in the room?

Also, could there be nights when the children go to Grandma’s house for a sleepover, and you two could have total privacy? Maybe you could arrange a night every few weeks?

You need to find a way to compromise a little now, as your husband’s libido has shifted, and too much rejection can be hard on a relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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