Best not to risk an inequitable union

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I made the mistake of going to the bar with my fiancé’s mother on a winter holiday in the Caribbean. My mother-in-law to be had too many cocktails and unloaded.

During my man’s parents’ 26-year marriage, there have been a few “mistakes” made by his father in terms of other women. His mother chose to forgive his father’s cheating to “save” their marriage and keep the family together.

When I reported to my boyfriend what his mother told me, I was shocked that he already knew!

He approved of his father confessing his cheating and his mother forgiving him for it — not once, but twice. I couldn’t wrap my head around that.

I now suspect this is what my boyfriend would expect in a marriage, and that I’d be the saint his mother was. Ha! I’d either leave him or pay him back with a man I desired.

I told my guy this, and he was so mad he said, “Are you sure you want to keep that engagement ring?”

Frankly, I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t like the way people in his family think. And now I wonder what my fiancé’s beliefs are about roles in marriage.

Unlike his mother who was used to being supported in a big way, I’ll never give up my career and my own money — it gives me the ability to live without a partner if necessary, and still be able to support kids.

I don’t want to have to feel this way, but here I am feeling it! What should I do?

— Deeply Upset, St. James

Dear Deeply Upset: At least, clear the air. Tell your fiancé exactly how you’d feel if he cheated, and what you’d do. Explain why you feel differently from his mother, and also tell him your plan to keep your career going so you have the freedom to leave a bad marriage. You could also note that if he’s a decent guy and you have a good marriage, he’ll have nothing to worry about — and neither will you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 17 and being forced to go to the family cottage for July and August. I am my folks’ unpaid sitter for my younger siblings and cousins, although there is another person (in her early 20s) hired as a “mother’s helper” and beach sitter, as she’s a certified lifeguard.

So, why do they need me? Why can’t I be free? I’d rather get a good-paying job in the city this summer. Don’t you think this is unfair?

— Unpaid Labour, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Unpaid: You deserve to be paid a certain amount per week for the diligent tending of the extended family’s younger children at the cottage. But you also need to realize that your parents may feel like they are unpaid 24-hour labour, having to oversee everything going on at the lake, including child care, beach safety, cooking, cleaning and entertaining relatives. Whew!

Your folks are now counting you as someone mature enough to help. Maybe you could suggest bringing a responsible friend out as an additional helper.

As for being allowed to stay in the city to work, and possibly party it up while your folks are at the lake — that will never fly!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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