Husband turning into her demeaning mother

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This article was published 12/01/2016 (3921 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just realized I married my mother, and I am a woman. My husband is turning out just like my mom and he is driving me crazy. He has all her good points, but coming out now are all the hidden bad points.

Because I have an allergic reaction to the passive-aggressive way my mother got at me growing up, I am instantly inflamed when my husband pulls the same tricks. Aside from giving me a backhanded compliment such as, “I like your hair a lot better now you got it cut,” and, “Compared to the other women in your family, your nose isn’t really that big,” he cuts me down in front of company with little “jokes” that mock me.

I’m growing more and more self-conscious because of these underhanded digs. That’s what happened with my mother to the point where I was nervous to be around her alone. I told him about this and he just said, “Maybe you should get some shrinkage.” You can’t have a decent talk with him because he smiles this phony smile, even when he’s angry. It’s a mean little smirk. I just want to bash a frying pan over his head and stomp all over him, but then I’ll be the one at fault and off to jail.

We got into a fight over this, and he trumped my complaint by saying, “Well, I have news for you: you’re just as big a bully as your loudmouth father.” I feel foolish for having married my most troublesome parent — I was a psychology major and this is textbook stuff. How could I have been so stupid?

— Flunked the Practical, St. Vital

Dear Flunked: Because many people have flip sides to their personalities, your husband was able to show his sweet, agreeable side when courting you and was always able to handle things with a smile. That’s the side you always wanted from your mother and never got. You probably came on as a warm, outgoing, honest person this man always wanted, but it turns out you have a mean mouth when you’re under pressure. It looks like you both could do with some help from a psychologist. If you can straighten out these upsetting old family behaviours, you both might end up seeing the side you love most in your mate.

 Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
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