Expecting person to change after marriage is unrealistic

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This article was published 16/01/2016 (3914 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel like I just had to respond to Confused Young Wife from Wolseley who was lamenting about her quiet husband who comes alive in he bedroom. I wonder if she knows how many people would trade shoes with her in a heartbeat? A spouse who is consistently satisfying in the bedroom after I’m not sure how many years of marriage, and one that doesn’t talk too much? Sign me up!

This young woman has not clearly stated what her expectations actually are. We can read between the lines a little bit, and tell she’s looking for more emotional intimacy from her husband. She also hasn’t really said, other than blowing up recently, what she has been doing up until now to deal with this problem. Reading this letter, it seems to me like she just quietly endured the situation and then had a large outburst. If so, her communication skills are in question.

His reaction clearly shows that he was taken off guard by her outburst, which kind of reinforces my prior comment. Forget counselling. She needs to tell him: “Look, our sex life is great! In addition to that, I also need a little bit more face-to-face time with you. I miss talking about the little things with you. What do you think we can do about this?”

According to this young lady, her husband reminded her of his quiet nature after her outburst. To me, this sounds like that age-old thing where women often try/hope their husbands become something more to their liking after they get married (but that may be my own baggage talking). A relationship counsellor is expensive and time-consuming. It’s also not a guaranteed solution to the problem. Thanks for listening to

— My Two Cents Worth, Wolseley

Dear My Two Cents: Men don’t think much about changing a woman once they marry her, unless it’s getting her to change back to wanting more sex after the children are born. But women, and I know literally thousands of the creatures from their letters and the courses I teach, love a chance to try to get their partners to shape up. Most of them work on doing a bit of an overhaul in the first few years of living together, trying not to let the man get into bad habits, much like one tries to train a puppy.

Nowhere in the marriage vows does it say either partner vows to be perfect. You just vow to love each other and stick together through thick and thin. Right up front, try to get the best person/match you can get, and then deal with their idiosyncrasies after that the best you can. You can go out with a shy guy, and sometimes they come alive, or you pack your life with chatty friend who like to go out and know you’re going home to the best sex in town with a guy who adores you. Not such a bad deal!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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