Stop being a doormat to wife and son

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/01/2016 (3916 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife of eight years and I are building a new house. We both agree that my 17 stepson would be better off if he had a bedroom downstairs. The other day, she let me know he wanted a lock on the door. I thought it meant to his bedroom, but found out it was for the whole basement! When I asked why, she said he needs his independence and a place for him and his friends to hang out. Now she wants to turn it into a studio-type apartment. We can only go down there if we’re invited.

He’s had problems in the past with drugs, but now only smokes weed, but has been informed that will not be an option for him or his friends in the new house. I’m not comfortable with not having access to my entire home and feel my wife is just enabling him.

I’m often told that since I’m not a parent, and only a stepfather, I don’t have an understanding of these types of issues. Am I wrong to question this?

— Stepson Wants it All, Winnipeg

Dear Stepson Wants it All: No, you’re not wrong to question this, but you are wrong to be a doormat to your wife and stepson. You had a normal reaction, and the lock to the basement should be out of the question. Kids need father figures to step up, to be role models and act like sensible fathers. So stand up before it’s too late. The kid knows he’s asking too much and he’s waiting to see if he’ll get away with it. If he complains, put his bedroom upstairs in the new house and don’t develop the basement until he’s gone.

If you let him have his own party palace in the locked basement, he’ll never really need a job and he’ll be there until he’s 30. Help him to grow up! He’s going to be laughing, and his friends are going to be thrilled because their parents would never allow such nonsense. The other parents don’t need their kids partying it up at your house. There are many risks to this kind of private club in the neighborhood and they include drugs (you already sanction his marijuana smoking outside the house) and there will be more stuff being brought over. Are you going to frisk everybody, or kick out strangers who come from the bar and flood your place?

If you want to spend some money to make this problem go away, and this boy is intelligent, enroll him in a university out of town and he can live in residence and party with new friends there. Don’t build a nightclub in your home. Tell your unwise wife you won’t. You don’t have to bow to dumb and dangerous ideas just because you are not the biological father. It might be good for your wife to see you show some backbone, too. Tell the boy, “In your dreams, fella. That’s not happening under this roof.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography