No reason to feel guilty about once-abusive ex

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This article was published 22/01/2016 (3893 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I saw a man trying to peek in my stencilled window that runs the length of my door. I could see his feet clearly. I noticed his right foot was turned, and knew it was my first husband from 25 years ago. I opened the door a few inches with the chain on, and asked him want he wanted. He said he wanted our wedding pictures. I knew then he had gone completely nuts. I said, “We didn’t have any, remember? You ordered them, but couldn’t pay the photographer, so he kept them.” He looked at me and said “You’re lying!” Then I was scared, and told him I was going to phone my husband who works two blocks away to come get rid of him. “ My advice is go away and never come back!” I said.

He said OK, turned away and broke down crying. I could see his shoulders heaving. I said, “I can’t help you after all you did.” (He was abusive and I supported him, and it was an awful time in my life.) He turned back and said, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I was crazy then. I never meant to hurt you.” He limped away like such a broken old man. He used to be big and handsome with wide shoulders. I shut the door.

I felt guilty after, and still do. I handled it the wrong way. Should I have told him I have forgiven him? I wouldn’t have wanted him to think he could come back, though. Would that have been the right thing to do?

— Mean Mouth? Westwood

Dear Mean Mouth: Inviting your abusive ex inside for coffee and a warm forgiveness would have been a big mistake. It hurts to see anyone you loved once broken and crying, but in this case you needed to keep your ex out of your life. When he said you were lying it showed he still has a quick temper. He also seems to have lost some of his memory, as that wedding photography fiasco would make a lasting impression.

You did a good job protecting yourself. Mentioning your husband — the human guard dog — working two minutes away, was a good idea. No doubt you felt fear and were probably worried this man would start coming round. Yes, he’s in bad shape, but as a victim of his abuse, you shouldn’t be the one to befriend him. You could have said, “I forgive you, but I remember what you did. Go in peace now, but don’t ever return.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
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