Un-friending people on Facebook leads to fallout

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/08/2016 (3700 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a social-media problem. As I’ve grown older, I’ve become a fairly private person. Although I can also do very well in social situations, what I really love is being at home with my family. My kids are the light of my life and my husband is my best friend. When I am not with them, I would prefer to be in my own quiet company than in the company of others. We have a humble home and it is my favourite place to be, working in the yard or taking on some project.

Until recently, I was quite active on social media with a long list of friends attached to my accounts. That all changed when I just got fed up with seeing all the negativity some of those people dole out on a regular basis, and the fact some people can’t seem to filter what they write. (When I post a picture or a status update, it’s not an invitation for a negative response from everyone who has an opinion). I made a conscious decision to cut my friends list down to people I actually spend time with, close friends, immediate family and people I enjoy interacting with. I took control of who I was allowing to be the audience to the moments of my life that I share online, and it was liberating!

My problem is, some of the people I erased from my friends list were only casual acquaintances of mine, but are very close to some of my family members. Now those family members are saying I’m being immature by “alienating” these people. Apparently, some people have hurt feelings because of this, but that was not my intention. When I see those people in social situations, I’m friendly with them just the same as before. I did not do this out of anger, just as a conscious change in how I use social media. How do I get people to understand that I’m allowed/entitled to choose who I want to be my audience, and I’m just content with my life at home and with my small friends list that I don’t have any desire for social-media interactions beyond that?

Limiting those interactions has been a positive in my life. Do I really have to be obligated to keeping people as friends just because they are close to someone I’m actually close to? Did I do something wrong, and I’m just so into my own life that I’m completely unaware? Please help me, because I just feel so… — Happily Introverted, Winnipeg

Dear Happily Introverted: Everything we do has consequences. When people cut friends out of their social-media lists — Facebook is usually the major one — some people are going to be hurt. You could have put their comments on a hidden status instead, but you chose to cut them right out and they can see you’re no longer friends. Re-friending them is going to be feel phoney and awkward to you, and to them.

Explaining to Facebook friends that you are cutting down to people and family you’re close to is often done more subtly by asking them to declare themselves — where they met you, for instance — in order to stay on your list, or to jump hoops in other ways to prove they are one of those deserving people.

The deed is done, and you’re happy, so to the relatives chastising you, explain and stand your ground. You have the close-circle situation you want now, and you just have to let the old friends-of-friends circle you cut out, get past it. And they will.

You should be aware most people are hungry for reactions and comments when they post comments and photos, but you’re different. You had let into your social-media circle a gang of negative nancies and people you didn’t know well, who liked to comment, so you corrected that.

Set your family straight and enjoy your new, intimate social-media situation.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography