Husband’s naked swim passes the duck test

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This article was published 19/08/2016 (3698 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband suddenly demanded his own bedroom at the cottage and packed up for the room above the boathouse. I said, “Fine with me. I won’t have to listen to your snoring!” That weekend, we had my brother and his wife and another couple out. I found it a little embarrassing that my husband and I were sleeping apart, but I wasn’t going to go crawling out there to beg him back to bed with me.

I awoke after midnight and couldn’t get back to sleep. I heard voices. I walked towards the whispering voices down by the dock and found my husband and my sister-in-law swimming in the moonlight together. I just lost it and yelled, “Get out of there, both of you, right now!” and my husband said, “Uh, not possible” which meant they were naked, or worse. “Turn your head!” he said. I said, “I don’t have to turn my head for my own husband.” I called my sister-in-law some names and told her to pack up and leave with my brother. Then I screamed for my brother and an almighty fight broke out between the four of us. The other couple went home.

My husband and I are not talking now. I suspect there’s been an affair going on already. He swears this was their first time together and they were just going to swim. What do you think?

— Not As Stupid As I Look, Westwood

Dear Not As Stupid: Let’s bring in the reasoning of the standard duck test: if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. If your husband and sister-in-law hadn’t done the deed yet, my guess is it was just timing. Then again, swimming nude together can happen before or after playing around.

Now that you’ve caught these two, it’s going to make it very hard for them to get together again. Are you going to look past it, like it was an “almost” thing nipped in the bud, or are you going to assume the worst? At the very least, get some relationship counselling, as this mess involves four people who are related by blood or marriage, and another couple who were unwilling witnesses to a juicy scandal.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ate fish at my aunt’s, which I’m not supposed to eat. I was trying to be polite. I threw it up on the table. Everyone was disgusted and my cousins took off into the other room. My aunt tried to clean it up, took me to the shower and took my dirty clothes away. I couldn’t stop crying and she said it was her fault because it must have been a bad piece of fish. I admitted I was allergic and she wondered why I didn’t tell her before. I told her I didn’t want to be rude.

That’s the way my family is — too polite. She called my mom, who is her younger sister, and closed the kitchen door. They had a long talk that started out as a fight. I heard my aunt say, “I might have accidentally killed your kid because he was too polite to tell me. Why have you never told me?” And then there was crying, and sorries and all that stuff. My mom arrived an hour later to get me. She hugged me really hard, and her eyes were red.

My mom had told me to always be polite when you are visiting, but my aunt says the truth is more important, especially when it can save a life. Who is right?

— Upset, Manitoba

Dear Upset: Your aunt is right in most instances, but you can say it nicely, like: “Auntie, I’m sorry, but I can’t eat fish anymore because I’m allergic to it.” Your mom and you should both tell family, friends, restaurant staff and anyone who keeps you that you are allergic to fish, plus anything else. And never put it in your mouth!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
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