Find out why mother loves you best

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This article was published 30/09/2016 (3658 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My sister walked into a situation she can’t seem to walk out of. She finally told my mother off for years of treating her second-best. Now my mother has completely disowned her. My sister feels she has no mother now and I am, as always, supremely favoured. My mother treats me so well it’s embarrassing.

I don’t know why she rejected my sister. She’s better looking and smarter and nicer to people than I am. I feel so sorry for my sister. Do you think my mom likes me best because I am more like her: bitchy, fat and dumb at school? My sister and I are in our 30s and I don’t want a family breakup. How can I fix this?

— Popular Daughter, But Not Happy, Winnipeg

Dear Popular Daughter: Get in there and dig! This is your chance to do something important. You be the one to ask you mother why she didn’t bond with her other daughter. There may be reasons you haven’t a clue about, so ask impertinent questions nicely. For instance, is it possible your sister was fathered by someone else? Does your sister remind your mother of a sister who was preferred to her when she was young?

You can get away with anything. You mom is down to one daughter now and she can’t bear to lose you. If your mother won’t talk, ask your aunts. Write back and tell me how your detective work goes.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The letter from the fibromyalgia sufferer called Mom Strapped for Money hit a chord with me. Chronic illness sucks. It affects everything you do and it can run over you like a steamroller if you let it. I’ve had fibromyalgia for the last 20 years and had cancer four years ago, plus chronic pain from a surgical error. My advice is to manage it rather than let this chronic illness is rule your life. Take charge. You can work, whether you have a chronic illness or not.

Yes, I realize not feeling well is a hardship and fibromyalgia is something that can interfere with sleep, cause widespread muscle aches and pains and various other issues. Things that worsen fibromyalgia include unhealthy lifestyle habits such as poor diet, lack of regular exercise, carrying extra weight, smoking, alcohol and drug use. Then there’s psychological issues, including negative thinking, such as the belief you can’t work or live healthy because of whatever ails you.

You have to make up your mind you are not defined by that condition and can be the best version of yourself by looking after yourself. Or, you can fulfil your prophecy of yourself being disabled by it by holding onto the attitude that you cannot do anything about what life has dealt you — so you do nothing.

I’ve never had to work harder at looking after myself, but so be it. I live my life, pay my own way and go to work each day because I refuse to let these challenges dictate who I am. I learned what made things worse and do the opposite: I don’t smoke, I eat ridiculously healthy, I maintain my ideal weight within five pounds, I exercise daily, do yoga and meditate. I’ve learned to be in the present. I laugh out loud as much as I can, stay active socially and I’m positive. I still have pain and discomfort, but it would be 100 times worse if I didn’t take care of myself and not let it get the upper hand. Yes it’s hard work, but the alternative is not attractive to me whatsoever.

— Living Proof, Winnipeg

Dear Living Proof: You are indeed lucky that with all your self-care you can still work. Good for you for working so hard at taking care of yourself. Unfortunately, there are people who simply cannot do as much as you can and we must be careful not to put them down.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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