Marriage based on looks of past lover cuts deep

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This article was published 02/10/2016 (3647 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In a horrible fight, my mean-mouthed 23-year-old husband told me last night I looked like his old girlfriend, and that’s why he married me. I was cut to the core. I had never seen a picture of her and asked him to prove it. He pulled out a picture album from the basement. She did look exactly like me! I said, “Well you better start looking for her again because I’m not staying here to be her stand-in.”

I packed all my clothes in two suitcases and went to my parents. Now I’m looking for an apartment. I don’t know how I could ever go back to a man who used me to replace the body and face of his first love. We have been married for two years and don’t have children. He keeps calling and says he only told me that to hurt me. What should I do? — Stand-In, Age 22, St. Boniface

Dear Stand-In: You’re young, you’ve only been together a few year,s and there are no babies. Are you sure you really want to talk to him? The only place to talk about a situation as volatile as this is in the office of a relationship counsellor. Tell him he can find a counsellor, make an appointment and foot the bill.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new wife is a babe, and anyone who looks at her feels the impact immediately. That means I have a lot of competition in any social situations. We’ve been married six months now, and the problem is she turns into somebody else when she gets home. The week after the honeymoon, she pulled out all her old grubs and grey panties and said, “Now I can relax.” Every day she comes home and takes off her sexy work clothes and puts on her grubs. I take off my tie and get her a glass of wine, and she doesn’t seem to notice I’m staying sexy for her.

Only people on the outside get the sexy and flirtatious girl I met and fell in love with. And now it’s really bad because I just gave up, too, and now both of us are relaxing, watching reality TV and eating like pigs. I’m wearing my favourite old shirts with holes in them, and you know what? I just realized last weekend I don’t like this marriage!

I still love the old her that goes out the door, but that girl is going to work and says not to kiss her because she doesn’t want to mess up her lipstick, as she clicks to the car in high heels. I tried to tell her how I felt, and she got all pouty and said, “I thought you loved the real me.” I didn’t know what to say to that. I guess I don’t. Please help. — Turned Off and Confused, The Burbs

Dear Turned Off and Confused: Ask her this: “How would you like it if I said, ‘I only dress up for other women to admire at work,’ but when I come home, I’m giving you my dirty old grubs, because that’s what you do to me?’”

She may say she is fine with that because loves what’s inside you. If she does, tell her you feel tricked and unhappy with the situation.

Say: “I thought you liked to dress well and look nice for me, too. I thought the honeymoon would last for a long time, and you pulled out your grubs the morning after we got home. It feels like the old bait and switch. I’m still willing to be the same guy you met and married.”

This is not an uncommon issue for newlyweds except it’s usually the guy with his old comfy clothes. You can sort this out with a compromise schedule, such as meeting for a drink after work on Tuesdays and a dinner out on Fridays, anything-goes clothes on weekend mornings, a date on Saturday night, etc. Get the picture?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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