Time to put boyfriend out to pasture

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/10/2016 (3653 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a horse that means a lot to me and requires daily upkeep. I do it myself. My boyfriend wants me to sell the horse now that he’s arrived on the scene. At first, he was helping me and now he’s at me all the time to “get over the horse obsession.” I love my horse more than I love most people. He is real family to me and my dearest, most loyal friend.

I haven’t had many boyfriends. I’m a plain girl with a stick-thin body and my horse has been my only true friend in lonely times. I understand not many young women have this much responsibility and not from an early age like I did. I won’t be selling off my horse for him. I told him that last night and I am scared I will never hear from him again. What shall I do?

— Lonely and Scared to Lose My BF, Manitoba

Dear Lonely and Scared: Tell him neigh! You need to realize this man is not the right match for you. Even if he lasts a while longer, he isn’t your ultimate true love and husband-to-be. Spending much more time with him would be a waste. Rather than that, say goodbye and start looking online for people who are into horses like you are. People who are searching for love and get onto the more specialized personal-ad websites and chat rooms have better luck than people who search widely.

Don’t wait anxiously for this guy to pull the plug. Wish him well, reiterate you will always have this horse and possibly others and pull that plug yourself. Celebrate and go looking in greener pastures for a man who will naturally love you both and maybe have horses of his own.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I playfully kicked my idiot husband in the behind a little too hard and he got mad. He said lately he’s never been treated so disrespectfully and he insisted I bend over so he could kick me back. Of course I refused — mama didn’t raise no fool! A while later, I bent over to put something in the oven and he kicked me back. There was no danger, as he didn’t kick me hard — just a nudge — but the revenge feeling was there.

This spiteful thing has been growing between us and I don’t know how it started, but too often things like this happen. It’s like a simmering anger between us. I don’t know if it will ever break out in true violence, but I worry about it sometimes. He could have wound up and kicked me into that hot oven. He didn’t, but the hint was there. I am worried about this escalating. What should we do?

— Simmering, Westwood

Dear Simmering: You need a third party to help you, and a relationship counsellor might be best. Ask to do a list exercise where the counsellor lists categories and helps people to dig out what bugs them about their partner in each area and to what degree. You both make lists of the things that irritate you about your partner. Then you give the secret lists to your counsellor and then go home.

Or, you might go out to do something active, such as bowling, to blow off steam. Some people feel so elevated getting those complaints off their chests, they go out for dessert and champagne, but they’re not allowed to talk about the things on their respective lists.

That week the counsellor looks at the lists and picks up the important things, old issues, squabbles and irritants. Often there are references to the same fight topics — such as being cheap or a spendthrift, rudeness, swearing, the way the kids or grandkids are treated or smaller things such as clicking jaws, expelling gas, chewing gum or smoking. During the second visit, the counsellor will bring up some of the minor irritants to work out easily and then work on medium irritants at the next visit to build more success. On the third visit, they might look at a major issue for one person or the other, or for both.

This work may take more than one visit, but you see what is happening? This is a way of clearing the irritants from a marriage so there is no longer a nasty level of aggression lurking below the surface.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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