Past flings making lover feel insecure, spiteful

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This article was published 10/12/2016 (3583 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I think it’s best not to share sexual histories with current lovers, but I met my lover six years ago after I had a casual fling with a mutual male friend. At that time, my current lover ended it with me after a month, stating it was because I wanted a relationship and he only wanted something casual.

We got back together again, slightly over a year ago, with the understanding it was to be another casual fling. We are both in our 50s and have both had long-term and casual relationships. Well, here we are now over a year later, finding we get along and have great chemistry. I have strong feelings for him and think we have something special, yet he states we are not in a relationship.

The problem is he constantly throws this past fling with our friend in my face and makes accusations that I must have slept with 100 men. He says what he did in the past is OK because he was young and didn’t know better. I have told him he is driving me away with his insecurities and double standards. Should I give up on him?

— Exasperated, Manitoba

Dear Exasperated: Yes, you should give up on this hypocrite. But will you? To an insecure man like himself, you’re a sex buddy he doesn’t respect and calls down. You’re not in a relationship by his standards, which gives him the right to have sex with anyone else at any time and keep you at a distance.

Most women would have sent him packing over the “slept with 100 men” crack, which is really dirty name-calling, but you didn’t. You kept him around to kick more snow in your face.

He says outright he doesn’t want a relationship and disrespects you for having different partners in your lifetime, as has he.

Either come to terms with the fact he will never be anything more than a sex buddy or you’re in for years of heartache and self-loathing. There are so many people who are much nicer to play with, so why stick with him? He’s mean, but somehow that’s acceptable to you. Please see a psychologist so you can finally delete this hypocrite out of your life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I brought up dinner at my new girlfriend’s parents’ house. I went in the bathroom and induced the purging. My stomach is jumpy and I used to have bulimia in my early 20s. I used to be a binge-and-purge guy after years of being fat from living on pizzas and beer at university.

This was the first time in years I felt so awful about myself I made myself throw up. They all think I got sick from their food. Really, I was on the brink of a panic attack because her father kept peppering me with questions about my job, interests and continued study. At the point he was mentally calculating how much money I would earn to support his daughter, I just felt sick and wanted to go home. Purging allowed me to leave and will keep me from being a dinner guest there any time soon. I just needed to get out of that house.

I really don’t want to get back into bulimic behaviour, but it is my go-to when I’m experiencing high anxiety. Her family, especially the father with his pots of money, makes me feel inadequate and upset. My girlfriend was horrified. I burst out that her father made me sick and I actually cried. She looked at me like I was nuts. Please help.

— Back to Bulimia, Winnipeg

Dear Back To Bulimia: Although this girl may be attractive and fun, this isn’t the right family for you. Sometimes we have to listen to what our bodies are saying to us, or in your case, yelling at you. If this is a wealthy high-stress family with a dominant dad, it’s not the family group for a guy like you.

To the extent we live closely together, we marry the family as well as the beloved. You might want to break things off before this relationship gets too close. Your girlfriend needs a tougher guy who can tell her father where the boundaries are and when to get back behind them.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I bought a present for my husband I thought he should want because he’s getting kind of flabby around the gut. It’s a gym equipment set for the basement.

Today he came home with a cheaper set. Should I show him the better stuff I bought him and get him to return his set and get his money back?

— Double Trouble, Transcona

Dear Double Trouble: It depends what kind of guy he is. If he’s proud of what he bought and would feel diminished by taking your fancy gym set and having to return his own, then take yours back. You can buy him additional work-out accessories, gym clothes and shoes to add to his little work-out wonderland.

Or you could veer off in a completely different direction and support another one of his interests. Don’t spoil what he went out to get for himself because that big purchase was his big commitment to himself to get into shape.

He may need to have paid for it to keep persevering past January. And think how mad you would be, if he quit using a fancy set you paid for.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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