Thoughtful presents not good enough for wife

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This article was published 03/01/2017 (3255 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife returned all the things I gave her for Christmas. These were gifts from my heart, not gift certificates. If it was just that they didn’t fit, fine, but she traded my gifts in for the opportunity to buy other things she really wants. I heard her say that on the phone to a girlfriend. What do you think?

— Hurt and Embarrassed, Windsor Park

Dear Hurt and Embarrassed: Tell her exactly that — you are hurt. Tell her you overheard what she said to her friend. Talk about your attitude to gift-giving. Maybe she came from a family were her mother was insensitive and she needs a little re-education from someone she loves on how she can hurt people by copying this behaviour. A few hints as to what she would like would help next year, plus a few surprise gifts from your heart she knows to keep.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife of six months says I’ve turned into a loser. What I don’t understand is why she married me in the first place. I was on my best behaviour the whole year before we married, but so was she! A guy can only hold on so long before he has to be his natural self. She says she doesn’t appreciate my lack of manners in the bathroom and kitchen, and says I am an animal in these rooms. For Christmas as a joke present in my stocking, she gave me a can of bathroom deodorant spray.

On Boxing Day she lowered the boom. She gave me a talk about how I need to straighten up and fly right or she’ll be flying out of here to Toronto, where she is from. I have been put on notice. She had a list of 10 demands for change. She didn’t list any of the good things about me, as if there weren’t any.

Since we got married, she has stopped doing a lot of things in bed. Most nights her mother could sleep on the other side of the bed and it wouldn’t matter. Nothing’s happening anyway, except the teasing she does during the daytime. Then at night she says she’s too tired to do anything. Please help. We used to be so happy. Did she just want the wedding and not me? — Feeling Tricked and Hurt, West End

Dear Feeling Tricked and Hurt: Who are you, really? Your bride wonders. And who is she? You wonder now. New couples often run into the problem where one or both partners start acting like they’re siblings, not lovers and marriage partners.

So, let’s talk turkey. Do you not bother to leave the room to expel gas, and/or do you fail to change the bathroom scent before you exit? These are considerate things lovers do for each other. Male housemates, not so much. As for cooking, did you stop cooking and cleaning up and start treating her like mom? You can change that back quickly.

And she is threatening to go back to Toronto, so that means there’s more to this than annoyances in your new marriage. Is she homesick? How long has she lived in Winnipeg? Is the winter bothering her? You need to know how she feels, even if it’s scary to ask for the truth.

Before you do anything rash, ask her to make a list of five things she loves about you. Do the same ahead of time and hand it to her. Ask her not to give her love list to you until the next day, so she doesn’t revolt because she’s put on the spot. Also, make an emergency appointment with a marriage counsellor. If your wife is willing to talk, have some heart-to-hearts first so you can go to the session ready to talk openly. You have no time to lose!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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